Science & Technology

Mystery Solved: ChatGPT Claims It Was Also The Boy In That Old Pope Photo

The chatbot said it could not provide proof but remembered the moment emotionally, statistically, and in the style of a medium-sized Catholic nephew.

Science & Technology

Investor Relations: SpaceX Announces Free Handjobs For Anyone Who Gets In Before The IPO

The company said fleece vests no longer captured the depth of shareholder gratitude.

Politics

Patriotic: Trump Announces NBA Finals Booing Will Be Added To National Anthem As Percussion

The White House said the crowd noise proved Americans were finally ready for an anthem arrangement with more honesty in the lower register.

Culture

Australia Post Quietly Scouting Contractors For Olympic 100m Team After Drivers Keep Posting Impossible Escape Times

Athletics officials are reportedly studying Australia Post contractors after doorbell footage revealed world-class speed between carding a mailbox and fleeing the property.

Business

Bad News: The Endangered Animal McDonald’s Was Using In Its Soft Serve Has Officially Gone Extinct

McDonald's faces a dessert texture crisis after the endangered animal allegedly holding its soft serve together goes extinct.

Culture

Joe Rogan Revealed To Be Multi-Millionaire Wellness Emperor Cosplaying As Guy Who Just Found Out About Elk Meat

Joe Rogan faces scrutiny for making media-empire wealth look like a regular guy discovering elk meat and kettlebells.

Culture

Entire Local Area Turns On Man After He Describes It As A Hidden Gem Online

ASHEVILLE, N.C.—A previously peaceful local area has fully turned on 34-year-old resident Caleb Pritchard after he described the neighborhood as a hidden gem in…

Music

Post Malone Announces He Is Legally Changing His Name To Pre Malone To Reflect His New Season Of Personal Growth

NASHVILLE—Post Malone, America’s sweetest exhausted rich guy, has reportedly announced he is legally changing his name to Pre Malone in honor of “the fragile…

Entertainment

Show Your Work: Jamie Ding Calculates ICE Crackdown Has Put America In A Runaway Game Against Basic Decency

After his 31-game Jeopardy streak ended, Jamie Ding released a mathematical proof showing ICE has put America in a runaway game against basic decency.

Culture

Local Man Admits He Gaslights Fast Food Workers “Just To Introduce Narrative Complexity Into Their Shift”

A Columbus man admits he gently lies to fast food workers to add lore and narrative complexity to their shifts.