Author
Author: Monica Smith
Monica Smith covers national politics, diplomacy, and ceremonial gestures that somehow become policy.
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Politics
G7 Leaders Ask Strait Of Hormuz If It Can Be More Of A Lazy River Until Oil Prices Calm Down
Diplomats say the waterway could do everyone a solid by floating tankers gently past the part where history gets expensive.
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Politics
Election Integrity: Voting Machine Thanks You For Your Donation Before Counting Ballot
Officials said the new civic interface does not influence votes, though it does briefly ask whether democracy has earned 18%.
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Life & Style
Public Health: RFK Jr. Replaces Vaccine Schedule With Whatever Your Aunt Texted The Group Chat
Officials said the update restores trust by letting public health guidance arrive with twelve question marks and a sunflower emoji.
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Politics
Patriot Points: ICE Launches Rewards Card For Americans Who Turn In Five Coworkers
Officials said the program will make enforcement feel more like coffee loyalty and less like something everyone used to pretend was ugly.
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Politics
Patriotic: Trump Announces NBA Finals Booing Will Be Added To National Anthem As Percussion
The White House said the crowd noise proved Americans were finally ready for an anthem arrangement with more honesty in the lower register.
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Politics
Leaked Trump Gaza Plan Includes Complimentary Tote Bag For Every Palestinian Who Agrees To Become A Former Resident
WASHINGTON—A leaked version of President Donald Trump’s Gaza redevelopment plan reportedly includes luxury coastal districts, foreign investment corridors, a U.S.-backed authority, and a complimentary…
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Politics
BREAKING: Trump Declares War On Taco Bell Restroom After 45 Minutes Inside With No Clear Exit Strategy
Aides say the president remains in command, although several staffers admitted the restroom has now held its position longer than anyone expected.
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Politics
Americans Briefly Consider Whether Losing Might Have Been Better After Latest “Historic Win” Leaves Country Financially Damp And Exhausted
Americans begin wondering whether one boring little loss might feel better than another historic win at the grocery store.
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Politics
Former Russian Spy Who Finally Decided To Do The Right Thing Dies 11 Minutes Later After Eating Gas Station Cottage Cheese
A former Russian spy finally tried to defect, only for discount gas station cottage cheese to erase 11 terabytes of Western intelligence hopes.
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Life & Style
North Korea Opens Beach Resort For Foreigners Who Miss Being Told Exactly Where To Stand
North Korea pitches a beach resort to burned-out foreigners seeking seafood, patriotic murals, and the strange luxury of having every decision made for them.
