Public Health: RFK Jr. Replaces Vaccine Schedule With Whatever Your Aunt Texted The Group Chat
Officials said the update restores trust by letting public health guidance arrive with twelve question marks and a sunflower emoji.
RFK Jr. has replaced the federal vaccine schedule with whatever your aunt texted the family group chat.
The new guidance arrives in screenshots, voice notes, and forwarded paragraphs beginning "I am not saying this is true," which officials said restores the trust people lost when medicine became too dependent on people who know things.
"Families deserve health information from sources they recognize," said wellness transition adviser Clay Dorsett. "A chart from the CDC can feel cold. A message from Aunt Linda at 1:13 a.m. telling you to rub onion on the baby has texture."
Pediatricians will still be allowed to make recommendations, provided they leave space for lavender oil, terrain theory, and a cousin named Melissa who "did her own research" during jury duty.
The department said the schedule will be updated whenever the group chat finds a new podcast.
