G7 Leaders Ask Strait Of Hormuz If It Can Be More Of A Lazy River Until Oil Prices Calm Down
Diplomats say the waterway could do everyone a solid by floating tankers gently past the part where history gets expensive.
G7 leaders trying to keep oil markets from turning into a cursed carnival ride have formally asked the Strait of Hormuz if it can be more of a lazy river until prices calm down.
The request came after several finance ministers spent an entire briefing staring at a nautical map, realizing that a huge share of the world's oil still has to squeeze through a blue line that looks like something a water park would name The Widowmaker.
"We respect the Strait's long history as a strategically vital maritime chokepoint," said deputy energy envoy Calvin Roane. "We are simply asking whether, for a limited period, it could embrace more of a tube-and-sunscreen posture."
The proposed Lazy River Framework would encourage tankers to drift through the waterway with relaxed shoulders, soft music, and zero missile-adjacent behavior. Diplomats said the plan also includes signs reminding regional actors that splashing is funny only until Brent crude gets involved.
Several leaders reportedly supported adding a lifeguard chair, though negotiations stalled over who would sit in it and whether the chair would immediately become another reason for everyone to start yelling.
An American official said markets respond well to confidence, but even better to the sight of a global shipping route wearing sunglasses and minding its business.
At press time, the Strait had not responded, though oil traders said the silence already felt expensive.
