Supreme Court Rules Teen Vape Pen Protected By Founders’ Original Intent To Look Sick Behind A Barn
The majority found that the right to exhale mango fog while lying to adults is deeply rooted in the nation's history.
The Supreme Court has ruled that a teenager's vape pen is protected by the Founders' original intent to look sick behind a barn.
In a 6-3 decision, the majority held that while the Constitution does not explicitly mention blue raspberry vapor, it does preserve the broader American tradition of hiding from adults with a small object that makes a young man feel like a pirate.
"The historical record is clear," wrote Justice Alan Breyerly in the majority opinion. "At the founding, adolescent males gathered behind barns, taverns, smokehouses, and poorly supervised outbuildings to become briefly insufferable in the presence of one another."
The Court rejected arguments that modern vape pens differ from 18th-century mischief, noting that originalism does not require a one-to-one match between technologies, only a shared commitment to lying about what the smell is.
School administrators expressed concern that the ruling could limit hallway enforcement, especially in cases where students disappear into bathrooms and emerge smelling like a watermelon got probation.
Civil liberties groups praised the narrow ruling, though several asked why the Court suddenly cared about teenage autonomy only when it involved a rechargeable stick called a Beast Cloud.
At press time, one justice had filed a concurrence arguing that detention is unconstitutional if the vice principal is being a narc.
