Author
Author: Patrick Delaney
Patrick Delaney covers politics, sports-adjacent drama, and institutions bravely learning nothing from last time.
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Gaming
Little League Installs Breathalyzer For Dads Who Keep Calling Umpire A Deep State Asset
League officials say the device activates after the second inning or the phrase "follow the money, blue."
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Culture
Student Safety: School District Says Active Shooter Drill Counts Toward Drama Credit
Administrators praised the cross-curricular approach as rigorous, practical, and devastatingly American.
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Politics
NRA Launches Mindfulness App To Help Members Notice Target Is Just Mailbox
The guided breathing program encourages users to pause before escalating with a recycling bin.
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Politics
Service Dress: Space Force Unveils Uniform That Makes Personnel Easier To Bully At Airports
Officials said the new look projects orbital professionalism, branch identity, and a strong possibility of being asked if the wearer works at a vape…
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Politics
Thank You For Your Service Fee: Pentagon Contractor Adds Tip Screen Before Drone Strike
The contractor said the prompt gives taxpayers a chance to support the hardworking team making war feel like a checkout kiosk.
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Politics
White House Says UFC Event Will Let Donors Watch Cabinet Secretaries Pretend They Could Take Each Other
Officials say the event will showcase strength, pageantry, and the exact point where donor entertainment becomes government.
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Life & Style
Airport Bar Adds Little Curtain For Men Crying Into $19 Beer
The bar says the privacy upgrade supports travelers processing divorce, delays, and boarding group 8.
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Music
Rule Change: FIFA Adds Moonwalk Review To VAR After Socceroos Star Keeps Doing Smooth Criminal Ritual
Officials said referees must now determine whether a goal celebration contains excessive lean, clear and obvious pop influence, or dangerous hat absence.
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Culture
Australia Post Quietly Scouting Contractors For Olympic 100m Team After Drivers Keep Posting Impossible Escape Times
Athletics officials are reportedly studying Australia Post contractors after doorbell footage revealed world-class speed between carding a mailbox and fleeing the property.
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Science & Technology
Scientists Say New Orleans Has Passed The Point Of No Return, Urge Residents To Begin Relocating Their Favorite Bar Stools First
New Orleans officials unveil a managed retreat plan that preserves the city's culture by moving the bar stools, balconies and daiquiri machines first.
