Entertainment

Beyonce Quietly Becomes Regional Weather System During Cowboy Carter Tour Stop

A Cowboy Carter tour stop grows beyond concert status and becomes a temporary self-sustaining civilization event.

Politics

Leaked Trump Gaza Plan Includes Complimentary Tote Bag For Every Palestinian Who Agrees To Become A Former Resident

WASHINGTON—A leaked version of President Donald Trump’s Gaza redevelopment plan reportedly includes luxury coastal districts, foreign investment corridors, a U.S.-backed authority, and a complimentary…

Music

Taylor Swift Needs A New Investment Property, So Here’s Another Deluxe Edition Reissue Collector’s Edition

NASHVILLE—Taylor Swift has reportedly announced another deluxe collector’s edition reissue variant of a previously expanded album, a move industry analysts say should bring her…

Science & Technology

Wendy’s Customer Orders 84 Cups Of Water So Drive-Thru AI Will Finish Coding His Startup

COLUMBUS, Ohio—A local developer has reportedly built an entire startup by repeatedly pulling into the same Wendy’s drive-thru, ordering a cup of water, and…

Business

Carnival Announces Disease Transparency Initiative After Passengers Ask Why Floating Buffets Full Of Retired Strangers Still Exist

Cruise lines promise real-time cough maps and vomit alerts as passengers continue booking giant wet malls with buffet access.

Culture

Queensland Man Arrives At Gumtree Meetup With 620 Live Deer After Misreading ‘620 Bucks O.N.O.’

A Queensland man arrived at a Gumtree meetup with 620 live deer after misunderstanding the phrase 620 bucks O.N.O.

Culture

It’s Official: Banksy Is A Fucking Sellout

LONDON—After years of shredded canvases, anonymous stunts, auction-house freakouts, and anti-capitalist murals that immediately became capital, experts have finally confirmed what the public has…

Music

Scandal: Vessel From Sleep Token Accused Of Being A Normal Guy Who Found Out Horny Church Music Sells

Fans are demanding answers after a new dossier alleged that the masked frontman may be less of a prophet for an ancient sleep god…

Science & Technology

Customer-First: Tesla Will Start Installing Popcorn In Airbags For First Responders Trying To Pry You Out

Tesla says the feature will give firefighters a warm snack during the critical minutes when the doors stay shut and the battery becomes weather.

Politics

UK Government Unveils ‘See Something, Say Something, Upload Something, Consent To Something’ Public Safety Initiative

The UK government unveils a public safety initiative asking citizens to report suspicious bins, air fryers, burner phones, and general vibes.