Gaming

Grand Theft Auto Boss Still Has Never Smoked Weed, Apparently Spent College Asking If Anyone Wanted To Just Talk

Gamers process the possibility that Grand Theft Auto is overseen by a man who treats a second beer as a turning point.

Politics

BREAKING: Trump Declares War On Taco Bell Restroom After 45 Minutes Inside With No Clear Exit Strategy

Aides say the president remains in command, although several staffers admitted the restroom has now held its position longer than anyone expected.

Life & Style

Local Sports Complex Preparing For Tyler’s Mom To Get Absolutely Loaded Again

Tyler's wine mom arrives at youth football again, forcing parents and referees to prepare for another legendary performance.

Entertainment

30 Years Later, Experts Confirm Every Episode Of Seinfeld Was About Four Psychopaths Slowly Destroying Manhattan

Streaming-era viewers have concluded Seinfeld was less a show about nothing than four adults committing civic sabotage.

Music

Bad News: Post Malone Found More Vacant Space On His Face

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to Post Malone confirmed the nation’s most approachable tattooed millionaire has discovered an unclaimed patch of skin on his face, triggering…

Culture

Local Church Sound Guy Finally Caught After 11 Years Slowly Turning Pastor’s Mic Down During Sermons About Tithing

A church sound guy admits he spent 11 years slowly turning the pastor's mic down during sermons about tithing.

Politics

Americans Briefly Consider Whether Losing Might Have Been Better After Latest “Historic Win” Leaves Country Financially Damp And Exhausted

Americans begin wondering whether one boring little loss might feel better than another historic win at the grocery store.

Music

Jelly Roll Announces Little Ass Shed Tour Will Be Followed By Medium Ass Gazebo Tour

NASHVILLE—Country-rap hug machine Jelly Roll has confirmed that his wildly intimate Little Ass Shed Tour will be followed by an even bolder run of…

Life & Style

Helpful: Kleenex Has Started Pre-Staining Its Tissues With Blood To Save Everyone A Step

Kleenex has introduced First Dab, a tissue line that arrives pre-stained with blood so customers can skip the awkward white-tissue part.

Music

Lorde Releases Her Most Honest Work Yet: An Entire Album Thanking Harvey Weinstein For Believing In Her

Lorde's latest act of honesty turns one Golden Globes afterparty conversation into a catastrophically sincere tribute album.