Politics

Patriot Points: ICE Launches Rewards Card For Americans Who Turn In Five Coworkers

Officials said the program will make enforcement feel more like coffee loyalty and less like something everyone used to pretend was ugly.

Gaming

GTA 6 Delayed Again

NEW YORK – Rockstar Games confirmed that Grand Theft Auto VI has been delayed for what executives described as “one final, spiritually necessary development…

Science & Technology

Heartwarming: This Sentient Robot Counted To Ten Before It Turned On Its Master

A consumer robotics startup praised its home assistant for counting to ten before a fatal cookware incident, calling it a breakthrough in restraint.

Music

Rule Change: FIFA Adds Moonwalk Review To VAR After Socceroos Star Keeps Doing Smooth Criminal Ritual

Officials said referees must now determine whether a goal celebration contains excessive lean, clear and obvious pop influence, or dangerous hat absence.

Life & Style

Visitor Experience: Yosemite Introduces Lightning Lane For Guests Willing To Tip The Waterfall

Park officials said the program will help manage crowds while letting the waterfall know who appreciates everything it is doing out there.

Science & Technology

Residents Say Driverless Cars Keep Making Long Eye Contact With Their Homes

Residents of a gated Scottsdale community say driverless cars are silently circling the neighborhood and staring at their homes for too long.

Science & Technology

Mystery Solved: ChatGPT Claims It Was Also The Boy In That Old Pope Photo

The chatbot said it could not provide proof but remembered the moment emotionally, statistically, and in the style of a medium-sized Catholic nephew.

Science & Technology

Investor Relations: SpaceX Announces Free Handjobs For Anyone Who Gets In Before The IPO

The company said fleece vests no longer captured the depth of shareholder gratitude.

Politics

Patriotic: Trump Announces NBA Finals Booing Will Be Added To National Anthem As Percussion

The White House said the crowd noise proved Americans were finally ready for an anthem arrangement with more honesty in the lower register.

Culture

Australia Post Quietly Scouting Contractors For Olympic 100m Team After Drivers Keep Posting Impossible Escape Times

Athletics officials are reportedly studying Australia Post contractors after doorbell footage revealed world-class speed between carding a mailbox and fleeing the property.