Entertainment

UH OH: If Jeff Bezos Is ‘Temu Lex Luthor,’ Bill Gates Is Superman With An Epstein Footnote

The country briefly enjoyed a perfect Bezos insult before realizing its replacement Superman had several dinners with Jeffrey Epstein, a Microsoft antitrust history, and…

Entertainment

James Cameron Announces Avatar 4 Will Be Filmed Entirely Inside A Single Drop Of Water

LOS ANGELES—James Cameron has reportedly informed a small, frightened group of studio executives that the next Avatar film will be shot entirely inside a…

Music

Good News: Taylor Swift Has Trademarked Everything Except Talent, Which Remains Safely In The Public Domain

Swift's lawyers have protected phrases, eras, greetings, and several merchandise-ready nouns, but officials say no filing has yet established exclusive rights to hitting the…

Music

CDC Warns THALL Mind Virus Has Thousands Of Men Calling Underpasses ‘Vildhjarta-Coded’

Officials say exposure to Vildhjarta riffs may cause men to lose normal vocabulary and begin treating drainage tunnels like sacred texts.

Science & Technology

Opinion: Spotify’s Disco Ball Logo Was Good And Everyone Who Complained Should Have Their Wrapped Read Aloud In Court

For one beautiful week, a music app finally admitted it was a glowing little shame orb that knew every bad decision you made after…

Music

BOMBSHELL: We Reveal Every Single Sleep Token Member’s Identity Because No More Hiding, Cowards

After years of masks, symbols, rituals, and fan theories, VanFlip can finally reveal the extremely ordinary British men standing behind Vessel, II, III, and…

Music

Charli XCX Announces She Is “Too Culturally Important” To Release Music That Can Be Enjoyed Offline

LONDON — Following the success of Brat, which somehow turned cigarette damage and dehydration into a global aesthetic, Charli XCX reportedly told executives at…

Life & Style

Bunnings Launches Flat Whites And Acai Bowls After Realizing Modern Tradies Spend $140,000 To Look Tired Professionally

Bunnings says the modern bloke still needs zip ties, but he now wants single-origin beans and purple fruit mush before buying a tap washer.

Entertainment

Opinion: Billy Madison Completely Distorted My Reality Of What The First Day Of School Would Be Like

The 1995 Adam Sandler film led me to believe the American education system was built around bus parades, dodgeball trauma, and adult millionaires repeating…

Music

Bridging The Digital Divide: Green Day’s Tré Cool Donated 6 MacBooks To Disadvantaged Children, Locked Them To Green Day Songs, Then Sued The Kids For Copyright Infringement

Green Day's Tré Cool gave six children free laptops, then discovered the most teachable moment of all was federal copyright litigation.