Author
Author: Martin Finch
Martin Finch covers general assignment stories for VanFLIP, from civic theater and brand misfires to the little rituals public figures use when they are trying not to apologize. He has a soft spot for cats, a firm belief that most meetings should have been a sandwich, and an enduring loyalty to steak cooked simply, preferably by someone who does not describe it as a concept.
General assignment, civic theater, and cultural oddities
Martin Finch covers general assignment stories for VanFLIP, from civic theater and brand misfires to the little rituals public figures use when they are trying not to apologize. He has a soft spot for cats, a firm belief that most meetings should have been a sandwich, and an enduring loyalty to steak cooked simply, preferably by someone who does not describe it as a concept.
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Entertainment
Eric Andre Finally Goes Too Far, Forces Entire Farmers Market To Participate In Fake Courtroom Sentencing
LOS ANGELES — After nearly two decades of escalating public chaos, comedian Eric Andre reportedly crossed a definitive cultural line Saturday morning by transforming…
· By Martin Finch
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Music
Nation Increasingly Concerned Nobody Has Ever Had A Bad Thing To Say About Jack White
DETROIT — Cultural analysts confirmed Tuesday that America may be facing a dangerous collapse in artistic accountability after another full calendar year passed without…
· By Martin Finch
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Culture
Uh Oh: Dr. Jordan B. Peterson Has Entered Witness Protection After Blowing The Whistle On The Canadian Maple Syrup Mafia
The controversial psychologist reportedly crossed the wrong people after accusing Canada's syrup industry of running "a sticky little archipelago of Jungian intimidation."
· By Martin Finch
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Life & Style
Americans Relieved To Learn Hantavirus Requires More Effort Than COVID
ATLANTA – Public health officials recently confirmed that hantavirus has officially replaced COVID-19 as the disease people mention at brunch to demonstrate they read…
· By Martin Finch
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Science & Technology
Musk Demands OpenAI Return To Being Weird Little Nonprofit Nobody Understood
OAKLAND, Calif. – The federal courtroom overseeing the increasingly hostile legal dispute between Elon Musk and OpenAI briefly paused Wednesday after both parties attempted…
· By Martin Finch
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Life & Style
Jesus Returns Briefly Before Saying “Fuck This Shit” And Leaving Humanity To Figure It Out
JERUSALEM – The long-awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ lasted just under fourteen minutes Tuesday before the Son of God reportedly looked around at…
· By Martin Finch
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Politics
Government Finally Begins Turning Frogs Straight Again After Years Of Public Pressure
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “a long overdue correction to the national amphibian trajectory,” the federal government confirmed Tuesday that it…
· By Martin Finch
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Politics
Trump Celebrates 2.5 Consecutive Months Of Ending Iran War
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump on Tuesday marked what the White House called “a historic 75-day streak” of ending the war with Iran, telling…
· By Martin Finch
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Music
Metal Band Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team Returns With New Song Titled “Festering Puss Annihilation Combo Driver”
CLEVELAND – Extreme metal group Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team announced Tuesday that it would be returning after a seven year hiatus…
· By Martin Finch
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Politics
Wendy’s Declared Strategic Nuclear Power
DUBLIN, OH – Global leaders convened in Brussels on Tuesday after Wendy’s successfully annexed three airport terminals, a mid-sized Baltic nation, and roughly 84…
· By Martin Finch