Life & Style

Heroic: Husband Who Just Got Home From Work Immediately Deployed To Retrieve Wife’s Facebook Marketplace Purchase

A Cedar Rapids husband briefly believed his workday had ended before being informed his wife had already promised him to a Facebook Marketplace seller.

Business

Federal Reserve Announces Economy Will Now Be Adjusted Using One Giant Thermostat In JPMorgan Chase Basement

The Federal Reserve has reportedly replaced monetary policy with one extremely powerful basement thermostat labeled Recession, Boat Summer, and Egg Prices.

Business

Coca-Cola Announces New Pre-Shaken Soda That Arrives Already Warm And Slightly Opened

Coca-Cola announces Coke Familiar, a pre-shaken soda that arrives already warm, dented, and slightly opened.

Business

Papa Johns Facing Investor Revolt After New Pizza For People Who Still Clap When Planes Land Campaign Tanks

Papa Johns faces investor panic after its Backyard Cobb Za campaign makes customers remember ordinary pepperoni exists.

Business

Office In Crisis After Work Husband Tim And Work Wife Sarah Announce They Are Getting A Divorce

The whole office is talking after beloved work husband and work wife Tim and Sarah announced their separation, forcing coworkers to divide up coffee…

Music

Robbie Williams Begs Public To Stop Confusing Him With Robin Williams, A Dead American Man Who Did Not Sing ‘Rock DJ’

Robbie Williams begs the public to stop confusing him with Robin Williams, a dead American man who did not sing Rock DJ.

Music

Bad News: The LED Lightbulbs Inside Billie Eilish’s Eyes Are Almost Due For Replacement

Technicians say Billie Eilish's internal gaze system is nearing the end of its recommended service life after James Cameron's 3D cameras picked up a…

Music

Album Review: All Them Witches’ House Of Mirrors Is A Blistering Descent Into Whatever Is Happening In My Ceiling

Our critic went track by track through All Them Witches' new album and came back with notes on haunted furniture, wet internet rope, and…

Politics

Former Russian Spy Who Finally Decided To Do The Right Thing Dies 11 Minutes Later After Eating Gas Station Cottage Cheese

A former Russian spy finally tried to defect, only for discount gas station cottage cheese to erase 11 terabytes of Western intelligence hopes.

Culture

Instagram Launches $11.99 DadRock+ Subscription That Adds Creed Energy To Divorced Men’s Gym Selfies

Instagram has reportedly launched DadRock+, an $11.99 tier that turns divorced men's gym selfies into black-and-white Creed-adjacent healing journeys.