Business

Bad News: The Endangered Animal McDonald’s Was Using In Its Soft Serve Has Officially Gone Extinct

McDonald's faces a dessert texture crisis after the endangered animal allegedly holding its soft serve together goes extinct.

Culture

Joe Rogan Revealed To Be Multi-Millionaire Wellness Emperor Cosplaying As Guy Who Just Found Out About Elk Meat

Joe Rogan faces scrutiny for making media-empire wealth look like a regular guy discovering elk meat and kettlebells.

Culture

Entire Local Area Turns On Man After He Describes It As A Hidden Gem Online

ASHEVILLE, N.C.—A previously peaceful local area has fully turned on 34-year-old resident Caleb Pritchard after he described the neighborhood as a hidden gem in…

Music

Post Malone Announces He Is Legally Changing His Name To Pre Malone To Reflect His New Season Of Personal Growth

NASHVILLE—Post Malone, America’s sweetest exhausted rich guy, has reportedly announced he is legally changing his name to Pre Malone in honor of “the fragile…

Entertainment

Show Your Work: Jamie Ding Calculates ICE Crackdown Has Put America In A Runaway Game Against Basic Decency

After his 31-game Jeopardy streak ended, Jamie Ding released a mathematical proof showing ICE has put America in a runaway game against basic decency.

Culture

Local Man Admits He Gaslights Fast Food Workers “Just To Introduce Narrative Complexity Into Their Shift”

A Columbus man admits he gently lies to fast food workers to add lore and narrative complexity to their shifts.

Entertainment

Beyonce Quietly Becomes Regional Weather System During Cowboy Carter Tour Stop

A Cowboy Carter tour stop grows beyond concert status and becomes a temporary self-sustaining civilization event.

Politics

Leaked Trump Gaza Plan Includes Complimentary Tote Bag For Every Palestinian Who Agrees To Become A Former Resident

WASHINGTON—A leaked version of President Donald Trump’s Gaza redevelopment plan reportedly includes luxury coastal districts, foreign investment corridors, a U.S.-backed authority, and a complimentary…

Music

Taylor Swift Needs A New Investment Property, So Here’s Another Deluxe Edition Reissue Collector’s Edition

NASHVILLE—Taylor Swift has reportedly announced another deluxe collector’s edition reissue variant of a previously expanded album, a move industry analysts say should bring her…

Science & Technology

Wendy’s Customer Orders 84 Cups Of Water So Drive-Thru AI Will Finish Coding His Startup

COLUMBUS, Ohio—A local developer has reportedly built an entire startup by repeatedly pulling into the same Wendy’s drive-thru, ordering a cup of water, and…