Culture

National Pride: Australia Backs Kangaroo Boxing Bid For Brisbane 2032

The proposed Olympic discipline would pair trained athletes with adult male kangaroos in a regulated format built around ring control, veterinary clearance, and Queensland…

Science & Technology

Terror Alert: Taliban Claims Responsibility For Destroying Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin Rocket

The group said its long-running campaign against private spaceflight had achieved a major victory after a billionaire's rocket completed most of the work itself.

Politics

President Trump Declares Total War On Kars4Kids After Hearing Jingle 11 Times During Dental Procedure

President Trump reportedly opened a new front against Kars4Kids after a dental procedure exposed him to the jingle one too many times.

Business

‘We Know You Need A Battery Right Now’: RadioShack Returns After Discovering Americans Still Panic-Buy One Weird Adapter

RadioShack has returned after discovering Americans still need a physical store for one weird battery, one weird adapter, and a man named Dennis.

Business

Red Lobster Denies Using Industrial Dye To Make Lobster Look Redder

Red Lobster denies using an industrial coloring agent to make lobster look aggressively red after former kitchen employees describe a suspicious Crimson Spectrum.

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Furious After Losing Chess Match To OpenAI Chatbot That Kept Asking ‘Are You Sure?’

Elon Musk reportedly loses a private chess match to an OpenAI chatbot that kept calmly asking whether he was sure about his moves.

Life & Style

North Korea Opens Beach Resort For Foreigners Who Miss Being Told Exactly Where To Stand

North Korea pitches a beach resort to burned-out foreigners seeking seafood, patriotic murals, and the strange luxury of having every decision made for them.

Business

Denny’s Announces New “Freedom Tap” Program Allowing Customers To Fill Any Container They Bring With Pancake Syrup

Denny's new Freedom Tap lets customers fill any reasonable vessel with syrup, immediately testing breakfast liberty.

Entertainment

Lucasfilm Casts Lena Dunham As Princess Leia In New Rey-Led Star Wars Film

Lucasfilm has cast Lena Dunham as Princess Leia in an upcoming Rey-led Star Wars film that places Leia's legacy directly under Rey Skywalker's story.

Entertainment

Evidence Locker: LeBron James Thought Space Jam Was A Documentary And Wanted The Rogue AI Taken Into Custody

Crew members say the NBA star treated every green-screen marker like testimony, every cartoon stand-in like a witness, and the villainous algorithm like an…