Business

Carnival Announces Disease Transparency Initiative After Passengers Ask Why Floating Buffets Full Of Retired Strangers Still Exist

Cruise lines promise real-time cough maps and vomit alerts as passengers continue booking giant wet malls with buffet access.

Culture

Queensland Man Arrives At Gumtree Meetup With 620 Live Deer After Misreading ‘620 Bucks O.N.O.’

A Queensland man arrived at a Gumtree meetup with 620 live deer after misunderstanding the phrase 620 bucks O.N.O.

Culture

It’s Official: Banksy Is A Fucking Sellout

LONDON—After years of shredded canvases, anonymous stunts, auction-house freakouts, and anti-capitalist murals that immediately became capital, experts have finally confirmed what the public has…

Music

Scandal: Vessel From Sleep Token Accused Of Being A Normal Guy Who Found Out Horny Church Music Sells

Fans are demanding answers after a new dossier alleged that the masked frontman may be less of a prophet for an ancient sleep god…

Science & Technology

Customer-First: Tesla Will Start Installing Popcorn In Airbags For First Responders Trying To Pry You Out

Tesla says the feature will give firefighters a warm snack during the critical minutes when the doors stay shut and the battery becomes weather.

Politics

UK Government Unveils ‘See Something, Say Something, Upload Something, Consent To Something’ Public Safety Initiative

The UK government unveils a public safety initiative asking citizens to report suspicious bins, air fryers, burner phones, and general vibes.

Gaming

Grand Theft Auto Boss Still Has Never Smoked Weed, Apparently Spent College Asking If Anyone Wanted To Just Talk

Gamers process the possibility that Grand Theft Auto is overseen by a man who treats a second beer as a turning point.

Politics

BREAKING: Trump Declares War On Taco Bell Restroom After 45 Minutes Inside With No Clear Exit Strategy

Aides say the president remains in command, although several staffers admitted the restroom has now held its position longer than anyone expected.

Life & Style

Local Sports Complex Preparing For Tyler’s Mom To Get Absolutely Loaded Again

Tyler's wine mom arrives at youth football again, forcing parents and referees to prepare for another legendary performance.

Entertainment

30 Years Later, Experts Confirm Every Episode Of Seinfeld Was About Four Psychopaths Slowly Destroying Manhattan

Streaming-era viewers have concluded Seinfeld was less a show about nothing than four adults committing civic sabotage.