Music

Bad News: Post Malone Found More Vacant Space On His Face

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to Post Malone confirmed the nation’s most approachable tattooed millionaire has discovered an unclaimed patch of skin on his face, triggering…

Culture

Local Church Sound Guy Finally Caught After 11 Years Slowly Turning Pastor’s Mic Down During Sermons About Tithing

A church sound guy admits he spent 11 years slowly turning the pastor's mic down during sermons about tithing.

Politics

Americans Briefly Consider Whether Losing Might Have Been Better After Latest “Historic Win” Leaves Country Financially Damp And Exhausted

Americans begin wondering whether one boring little loss might feel better than another historic win at the grocery store.

Music

Jelly Roll Announces Little Ass Shed Tour Will Be Followed By Medium Ass Gazebo Tour

NASHVILLE—Country-rap hug machine Jelly Roll has confirmed that his wildly intimate Little Ass Shed Tour will be followed by an even bolder run of…

Life & Style

Helpful: Kleenex Has Started Pre-Staining Its Tissues With Blood To Save Everyone A Step

Kleenex has introduced First Dab, a tissue line that arrives pre-stained with blood so customers can skip the awkward white-tissue part.

Music

Lorde Releases Her Most Honest Work Yet: An Entire Album Thanking Harvey Weinstein For Believing In Her

Lorde's latest act of honesty turns one Golden Globes afterparty conversation into a catastrophically sincere tribute album.

Science & Technology

Experts Confirm Earth Now Mostly Operating As A Large Air Fryer Left On Overnight

Climate experts warn Earth has entered its large-air-fryer phase while corporations sell climate guilt as a checkout add-on.

Science & Technology

Scientists Say New Orleans Has Passed The Point Of No Return, Urge Residents To Begin Relocating Their Favorite Bar Stools First

New Orleans officials unveil a managed retreat plan that preserves the city's culture by moving the bar stools, balconies and daiquiri machines first.

Entertainment

BREAKING NEWS: John Travolta Opens Fire Inside Regional Pharmacy

John Travolta allegedly takes CVS coupon policy into his own hands with a modified T-shirt cannon and a 2009 rewards coupon.

Life & Style

Local Dad Waits Six Full Weeks For Perfect Opportunity To Casually Reveal New Riding Mower To Neighbors

A Wichita dad waits six weeks for the perfect neighborhood conditions to casually reveal his new riding mower.