Entertainment

Heroic: Celebrity Worth $180 Million Sticks It To The Man By Condemning The Bad Thing

A beloved millionaire has finally challenged power by announcing that the bad thing everyone already hated is, in fact, bad.

Life & Style

Retail Misunderstanding: Tiger Woods Detained At Costco After Trying To Leave With Kirkland Popcorn Tucked Into His Aura

Employees say the golfer treated a Costco receipt like a suggestion and briefly entered a private dispute with popcorn, cashews, and a kayak.

Music

Sick Little Fuck: Pusha T Was Apparently Ready For The Diddy Do It Tour Before Someone Read The Island Name Out Loud

A cursed tour-poster mockup reportedly placed Pusha T, Diddy, Jay-Z, French Montana, and Rick Ross on one private island bill no publicist could survive.

Science & Technology

Former White Castle Employees Say Elon Musk Spent The Mid-’90s Carrying A Bucket Of ‘White Sauce’ And Calling It Humanity’s Backup Plan

Former White Castle coworkers allegedly remember the billionaire as an overnight-shift sauce visionary with a bucket, a population chart, and no respect for refrigeration.

Music

Civic Duty: Chappell Roan Fans Mistook A Routine City Council Meeting For A Secret Album Rollout

Officials say the public-comment period was never intended to function as an encrypted pop announcement, despite several persuasive hats in attendance.

Entertainment

Heroic: Laura Clery’s Refrigerator Has Become The First Household Appliance To Understand The Content Economy

Laura Clery's refrigerator has reportedly discovered that nearly killing its owner is an extremely efficient way to enter the creator economy.

Science & Technology

Troubling Side Effect: The Enhanced Games Are Having Difficulty Keeping Viewers Up

The Enhanced Games promised medically supervised superhumans, but the broadcast is struggling with the same problem as chemically ambitious men everywhere: keeping anyone interested.

Business

Bad Look: Guzman y Gomez Launches 5 A.M. Drive-Thru Tequila Menu For Hungover Tradies

Guzman y Gomez has launched a 5 a.m. drive-thru hard-liquor and paired-food menu for hungover tradies, insisting every Breakfast Margarita is responsible because it…

Music

Damage Control: The Hives Clarify Their Onstage Hard-Ons Are Load-Bearing

The Hives say fans misunderstood the hard-ons they walk onstage with, which are apparently structural supports keeping the whole show upright.

Music

Parkway Drive Members Stunned To Learn Man Everyone Called Chode Was Giving Off Chode Vibes The Whole Time

Fans revisiting old Parkway Drive footage are asking how everyone missed the warning sign of a man known exclusively as Chode.