Entertainment

Tony Hinchcliffe Confirms The Moth Living In His Ear Has Hatched

AUSTIN, Texas – A tender new chapter in live roast comedy began Monday night at Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership, where Kill Tony host Tony…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Starlink Upgrades, Here’s What It Means For Your Sex Toys

HAWTHORNE, CA – Elon Musk has announced sweeping upgrades to the Starlink satellite network that he says will deliver internet speeds “approaching the speed…

Life & Style

Man With “Don’t Follow Me, I’m Going Fishing” Bumper Sticker Actually Going To Costco

SPRINGFIELD, OHIO – Local man Derek Holloway, 41, has been exposed as “a complete fucking fraud” after witnesses confirmed the owner of a pickup…

Music

Sickening: Oli Sykes Rewarded Bring Me The Horizon’s Most Loyal Front-Row Fans By Urinating Directly Onto Them

Bring Me The Horizon fans at the barricade got a little more intimacy than the VIP package promised.

Reviews

I Reviewed The Trump Phone For 72 Hours

NEW YORK CITY – After months of delays, revised promises, disappearing specifications, and a website that increasingly reads like a hostage note written by…

Opinion

Opinion: It Is Time To Rise Up Against Dairy Queen Before It Becomes Too Powerful To Defeat

Dairy Queen has become too powerful, and one concerned American wants hearings, zoning maps, and answers about the chili.

Culture

Kanye West Lands In Iran For Peace Talks, Immediately Declares Himself “Supreme Leader Of Vibes”

Ye arrives in Iran to personally fix geopolitics, then immediately decides the whole region needs better branding.

Music

Fear Factory Guitarist Dino Cazares Now Refers To Australia As “The Big Outback Zoo” After Developing Concerning Attachment To Kangaroos

Fear Factory guitarist Dino Cazares prepares for Australia by entering a full marsupial spiral involving kangaroos, Tim Tams, and drop-G Outback theory.

Politics

Anthony Albanese Refuses To Extend Fuel Excise Cut Until Australians Experience One Raw-Dogged Servo Visit First

The Prime Minister says Australians may need one completely unprotected servo visit before anyone decides whether unleaded deserves mercy.

Life & Style

‘I Am No Longer Afraid Of Death’: Passenger Begs For Merciful Lake Michigan Impact After Man Removes Shoes Mid-Flight

Passengers on a Phoenix-to-Chicago flight reportedly united against one man's bare feet and the horrifying possibility that no policy would save them.