Leaked Trump Gaza Plan Includes Complimentary Tote Bag For Every Palestinian Who Agrees To Become A Former Resident

WASHINGTON—A leaked version of President Donald Trump’s Gaza redevelopment plan reportedly includes luxury coastal districts, foreign investment corridors, a U.S.-backed authority, and a complimentary tote bag for every Palestinian willing to experience the exciting upside of no longer living where they live.

The 62-page memo, titled Gaza: From Problematic Sand To Premium Sand, lays out a beachfront scheme so openly hostile to human dignity that three consultants allegedly wrote “maybe do not put this in writing” in the margins, then billed the government for margin strategy.

“This is not displacement,” the executive summary reads beneath a rendering of a marina where Gaza City used to be. “This is a voluntary resident optimization journey with hospitality upside.”

According to the document, Palestinians would be offered a one-time Relocation Freedom Bonus, a branded suitcase, six months of cloud storage for family photos, and priority access to an app showing whether their old neighborhood has become a Nobu, a drone port, or a security buffer with tasteful native grasses.

The plan refers to Palestinians as legacy occupants, atmosphere holders, and, in one spreadsheet tab, “pre-amenity human density.”

A footnote recommends avoiding words such as return, home, family land, cemetery, school, orchard, and key because they “create unhelpful expectations around geography.”

The Gaza Strip would be renamed Trump Mediterranean. Other names tested by the branding team include Freedom Shore, Abraham Sands, The Strip Strip, and Gaza Luxe, which was rejected for being “too honest in the first round.”

The territory would then be divided into 14 districts, including Little Mar-a-Lago, Ceasefire Commons, Jared’s Jet Ski Village, Bibi Beach, and The Memory Quarter, a compact inland zone where displaced families can interact with a touchscreen map showing where they used to live before the smoothie incubator opened.

“It’s important that Palestinians feel seen,” said Brock Saylor, acting deputy undersecretary for coastal transition and premium conflict reuse. “Not necessarily housed there, represented there, or allowed through the biometric leisure gate there. But seen. We budgeted for murals.”

Saylor said the plan represents a fresh approach to Middle East peace because previous negotiations focused too much on borders, sovereignty, refugees, occupation, security, and other topics that do not photograph well at sunset.

“The core issue in Gaza has always been curb appeal,” Saylor said. “You cannot solve a conflict until you ask the hard question: where would the cabanas go?”

The proposed authority would include U.S. officials, Israeli security advisers, Gulf investors, hotel executives, private equity partners, one retired general, two men named Zach, and a Palestinian community liaison whose duties include listening, nodding, and appearing in the annual ESG report.

The liaison would not have voting power, veto power, budget authority, land rights, or access to districts classified as guest-forward.

“Democracy is important,” the memo states. “However, democracy should not be allowed to delay brunch.”

One section titled Narrative Management instructs officials to avoid phrases such as forced removal, permanent displacement, and beachfront land grab. Recommended alternatives include fresh start, regional sabbatical, coastal unlocking, and the beautiful next chapter happening somewhere else.

At press time, the final page of the memo showed a proposed welcome sign reading WELCOME TO TRUMP MEDITERRANEAN, with smaller text underneath: “Former residents may inquire about memories at kiosk B.”