Culture

Group Bonding: Nation’s Dads Waiting For One More Hurricane To Justify Generator

Across the country, fathers are standing in garages beside extension cords and waiting for everyone to admit they were right.

Culture

Student Safety: School District Says Active Shooter Drill Counts Toward Drama Credit

Administrators praised the cross-curricular approach as rigorous, practical, and devastatingly American.

Business

Dollar General Sells Tiny American Flag To Drape Over Overdraft Notice

The retailer says the product helps customers make bank fees feel like civic duty.

Culture

Local Man Who Hates Drama Has 19 Screenshots Saved Under “Tax Stuff”

The folder is reportedly organized by person, timestamp, and whether the evidence will destroy brunch.

Business

Transparency: Boeing Says Whistleblowers Will Now Receive High-Visibility Vests

The company says the new vests will make safety concerns easier to identify from across a conference room.

Entertainment

Disney Raises Ticket Prices But Includes One Memory That Belongs To Someone Richer

The premium memory will be assigned at random and may involve a stroller, a churro, or a father who did not check his bank…

Gaming

DraftKings Lets Users Bet On Whether They’ll Ever Financially Recover

The new market allows users to parlay a Thursday night spread with the remaining shape of their life.

Business

Heartwarming: Amazon Driver Waited Until Funeral Guests Left Before Asking For A Five-Star Rating

The driver stood respectfully near the folding chairs until the last aunt had placed her casserole dish in the trunk.

Politics

NRA Launches Mindfulness App To Help Members Notice Target Is Just Mailbox

The guided breathing program encourages users to pause before escalating with a recycling bin.

Culture

Facebook Marketplace Seller Asks If You Can Pick Up Couch Before Her Marriage Falls Apart

The listing says the couch is smoke-free, pet-free, and maritally load-bearing.