Entertainment

Tom Hanks Caught Pawning Oscars

LOS ANGELES—Veteran actor Tom Hanks was spotted pawning several prestigious awards, including his two Oscars, at “Hollywood Pawn & Gold” yesterday afternoon. Witnesses described…

Entertainment

Alec Baldwin Spotted Practicing “Surprised Face” After Epstein Files Revelation

Following yesterday’s bombshell revelation of Jeffrey Epstein’s unsealed client files, actor Alec Baldwin was reportedly spotted frantically practicing a range of carefully crafted “surprised”…

Science & Technology

Tech Breakthrough: GPT-4.5 is Now So Small You Can Literally Stuff It in Your Balls

OpenAI has officially revealed GPT-4.5, an AI so minuscule it comfortably fits inside a human testicle. Yep, you heard correctly. The latest model, lovingly…

Entertainment

Ben Stiller Under Fire for Alleged Unauthorized “Severance” Experiments on Volunteers

Los Angeles, CA – Ben Stiller, the man who brought us slapstick classics like Zoolander and the mind-bending Apple TV+ series Severance, has reportedly…

Life & Style

Dad Crushed After Son’s “Piracy” Turns Out to Be Just Illegal Downloads

FORT WAYNE, IN – Local father Greg Hensley was reportedly “gutted” this week after discovering that his 16-year-old son Tyler’s newfound interest in “piracy”…

Entertainment

Keanu Reeves Caught Red-Handed Hawking Miracle Anti-Aging Cream at Local Flea Market

Los Angeles, CA – Hollywood icon Keanu Reeves, known for his timeless looks and brooding action roles, was spotted this weekend peddling jars of…

Opinion

OPINION: America Needs More Guns

America’s problem isn’t too many guns. It’s not enough guns. The solution to our national woes; crime, political gridlock, even the occasional bear sighting…

Music

Architects’ The Sky, The Earth & All Between Album Review: A Christian Mom Warns of Satan’s Latest Hit Record

I’ve been a Christian mom for 16 years, and I thought I’d seen it all. Pokémon cards with witchcraft vibes, that Harry Potter nonsense,…

Life & Style

KFC Seizes Texas in Greasy Coup, Declares State a “Chickenocracy”

PLANO, TX – Texans traded their ten-gallon hats for gravy-stained bucket lids today after Kentucky Fried Chicken executed a hostile takeover of the state…

Life & Style

Yale University’s Big Segregation Comeback: “America’s Back, and We’ve Got the Dorms to Prove It!”

New Haven, CT – Yale University, the Ivy League’s self-proclaimed arbiter of moral superiority, has decided to dust off an old American playbook and…