Science & Technology

Good News: After Cookie Consent Banners Went So Well, The European Union Is Brainstorming More Tiny Choices For The Whole Internet To Make Before Doing Anything

The bloc believes users have almost forgotten how grateful they are for being asked 19 times a day whether they want websites to work.

Entertainment

Damage Control: Keanu Reeves Clarifies His New Gum Is Pronounced Come Gum Despite Literally Everyone Calling It Cum Gum

The actor says the charity gum is about togetherness, fresh breath, and not whatever the internet immediately decided it was about.

Life & Style

Chanel Launches Pay In 4, A New Fragrance For Women Who Want To Smell Expensive During A Klarna Dispute

The new scent reportedly blends bergamot, white musk, smoked vanilla, and one base note listed only as pending approval.

Entertainment

Still Here: David Hasselhoff Announced His Comeback To A Room That Was Not Aware He Had Left

The Hoff promised a triumphant return, forcing several entertainment reporters to determine whether he had technically been absent or simply ambient for decades.

Science & Technology

Bad News For Natural Selection: IVF Now Telling Weak Sperm They Can Grow Up To Be Somebody

Fertility experts say assisted reproduction has opened a dangerous new door for sperm that once would have been told to swim faster or make…

Entertainment

Heroic: Celebrity Worth $180 Million Sticks It To The Man By Condemning The Bad Thing

A beloved millionaire has finally challenged power by announcing that the bad thing everyone already hated is, in fact, bad.

Life & Style

Retail Misunderstanding: Tiger Woods Detained At Costco After Trying To Leave With Kirkland Popcorn Tucked Into His Aura

Employees say the golfer treated a Costco receipt like a suggestion and briefly entered a private dispute with popcorn, cashews, and a kayak.

Music

Sick Little Fuck: Pusha T Was Apparently Ready For The Diddy Do It Tour Before Someone Read The Island Name Out Loud

A cursed tour-poster mockup reportedly placed Pusha T, Diddy, Jay-Z, French Montana, and Rick Ross on one private island bill no publicist could survive.

Science & Technology

Former White Castle Employees Say Elon Musk Spent The Mid-’90s Carrying A Bucket Of ‘White Sauce’ And Calling It Humanity’s Backup Plan

Former White Castle coworkers allegedly remember the billionaire as an overnight-shift sauce visionary with a bucket, a population chart, and no respect for refrigeration.

Music

Civic Duty: Chappell Roan Fans Mistook A Routine City Council Meeting For A Secret Album Rollout

Officials say the public-comment period was never intended to function as an encrypted pop announcement, despite several persuasive hats in attendance.