Gaming

Little League Installs Breathalyzer For Dads Who Keep Calling Umpire A Deep State Asset

League officials say the device activates after the second inning or the phrase "follow the money, blue."

Gaming

NFL RedZone Launches Feed For Men Watching Friend Group Become Gamblers

The feed cuts between living rooms where football has become math with wings.

Culture

Personal Essay: I Joined A Facebook Mom Group To Sell A Crib And Now I Know Too Much About The Sheriff

One crib listing became a civic intelligence briefing with stroller recommendations.

Business

Helpful: Grocery Store Now Lets Shoppers Round Up To Support The Grocery Store

The checkout prompt gives customers a simple way to help the supermarket continue charging them for groceries.

Culture

Group Bonding: Nation’s Dads Waiting For One More Hurricane To Justify Generator

Across the country, fathers are standing in garages beside extension cords and waiting for everyone to admit they were right.

Culture

Student Safety: School District Says Active Shooter Drill Counts Toward Drama Credit

Administrators praised the cross-curricular approach as rigorous, practical, and devastatingly American.

Business

Dollar General Sells Tiny American Flag To Drape Over Overdraft Notice

The retailer says the product helps customers make bank fees feel like civic duty.

Culture

Local Man Who Hates Drama Has 19 Screenshots Saved Under “Tax Stuff”

The folder is reportedly organized by person, timestamp, and whether the evidence will destroy brunch.

Business

Transparency: Boeing Says Whistleblowers Will Now Receive High-Visibility Vests

The company says the new vests will make safety concerns easier to identify from across a conference room.

Entertainment

Disney Raises Ticket Prices But Includes One Memory That Belongs To Someone Richer

The premium memory will be assigned at random and may involve a stroller, a churro, or a father who did not check his bank…