Politics

Election Integrity: Voting Machine Thanks You For Your Donation Before Counting Ballot

Officials said the new civic interface does not influence votes, though it does briefly ask whether democracy has earned 18%.

Politics

Healing The Brand: Starbucks Says Union Stores Will Get Bathroom Key Once Corporate Finishes Processing

The company said it supports access, dignity, and all other values that can be discussed after management finishes feeling attacked.

Culture

People First: Company Replaces HR With Praying Hands Emoji That Reacts To Harassment Claims

Executives said employees wanted a faster, warmer way to feel completely alone after reporting something awful.

Life & Style

Craft Brewery Releases IPA That Tastes Like A Custody Arrangement

The brewery says the beer opens with citrus, regret, and the exact bitterness of alternating weekends.

Life & Style

Tax Season: TurboTax Adds Button That Says I Am Too Poor To Be This Scared

The company said the button helps users express the gap between their refund size and the fear generated by a federal acronym.

Entertainment

Convenience Fee: Ticketmaster Adds $18 Charge For The Moment You Realize You Are Being Fucked

Executives said the new fee captures an important part of the live-event journey, namely the exact second hope leaves the body.

Science & Technology

TikTok Adds Bedtime Mode That Shows Your Own Wasted Life Back To You

The app says the feature helps users wind down by confronting the shape of the night they just fed it.

Life & Style

Side Effects: Ozempic Ad Warns Users They May Start Seeing Their Marriage Clearly

The updated warning says some patients experience reduced appetite, nausea, and the sudden ability to describe what Keith has been doing for eight years.

Life & Style

Bare Fare: Spirit Airlines Introduces $12 Option To Keep Your Knees Legally Inside Your Body

The airline said passengers deserve choice, especially when that choice concerns the basic geometry of their own legs.

Gaming

New York Officials Declare State Of Emergency After Knicks Fans Experience Hope Without A Coping Plan

City workers say the championship parade left thousands of residents exposed to optimism they were not medically prepared to process.