Little League Installs Breathalyzer For Dads Who Keep Calling Umpire A Deep State Asset
League officials say the device activates after the second inning or the phrase "follow the money, blue."
A Little League has installed a breathalyzer for dads who keep calling the umpire a deep state asset.
The device sits beside the concession stand and activates when an adult male uses the phrase "follow the money, blue," asks where the umpire was on January 6, or claims a 9-year-old was thrown out at first because the league fears truth.
"We are not saying every angry dad is drinking," said league president Sheila Bonner. "We are saying sobriety is a useful data point when a man in cargo shorts accuses a volunteer umpire of serving globalist interests during coach pitch."
Parents who fail the test must spend one inning behind the snack bar labeling Capri-Suns and thinking about whether their son actually needed them to scream "audit the count" at a retired mailman.
The league adopted the policy after a father described a foul ball as "ballot harvesting," then tried to show the first-base coach a podcast episode on his phone.
Officials said normal cheering remains encouraged, including clapping, supportive phrases, and saying "nice cut" without implying the Federal Reserve touched the lineup.
At press time, one dad had passed the breathalyzer and been escorted out anyway for asking the machine who funded it.
