Music

Robbie Williams Begs Public To Stop Confusing Him With Robin Williams, A Dead American Man Who Did Not Sing ‘Rock DJ’

Robbie Williams begs the public to stop confusing him with Robin Williams, a dead American man who did not sing Rock DJ.

Music

Bad News: The LED Lightbulbs Inside Billie Eilish’s Eyes Are Almost Due For Replacement

Technicians say Billie Eilish's internal gaze system is nearing the end of its recommended service life after James Cameron's 3D cameras picked up a…

Music

Album Review: All Them Witches’ House Of Mirrors Is A Blistering Descent Into Whatever Is Happening In My Ceiling

Our critic went track by track through All Them Witches' new album and came back with notes on haunted furniture, wet internet rope, and…

Politics

Former Russian Spy Who Finally Decided To Do The Right Thing Dies 11 Minutes Later After Eating Gas Station Cottage Cheese

A former Russian spy finally tried to defect, only for discount gas station cottage cheese to erase 11 terabytes of Western intelligence hopes.

Culture

Instagram Launches $11.99 DadRock+ Subscription That Adds Creed Energy To Divorced Men’s Gym Selfies

Instagram has reportedly launched DadRock+, an $11.99 tier that turns divorced men's gym selfies into black-and-white Creed-adjacent healing journeys.

Culture

National Pride: Australia Backs Kangaroo Boxing Bid For Brisbane 2032

The proposed Olympic discipline would pair trained athletes with adult male kangaroos in a regulated format built around ring control, veterinary clearance, and Queensland…

Science & Technology

Terror Alert: Taliban Claims Responsibility For Destroying Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin Rocket

The group said its long-running campaign against private spaceflight had achieved a major victory after a billionaire's rocket completed most of the work itself.

Politics

President Trump Declares Total War On Kars4Kids After Hearing Jingle 11 Times During Dental Procedure

President Trump reportedly opened a new front against Kars4Kids after a dental procedure exposed him to the jingle one too many times.

Business

‘We Know You Need A Battery Right Now’: RadioShack Returns After Discovering Americans Still Panic-Buy One Weird Adapter

RadioShack has returned after discovering Americans still need a physical store for one weird battery, one weird adapter, and a man named Dennis.

Business

Red Lobster Denies Using Industrial Dye To Make Lobster Look Redder

Red Lobster denies using an industrial coloring agent to make lobster look aggressively red after former kitchen employees describe a suspicious Crimson Spectrum.