Science & Technology

AI Lab Assures Investors Profitability Remains One Of Several Theoretical Outcomes

SAN FRANCISCO – Executives at leading artificial intelligence startup Omnithic held an emergency investor briefing to reassure stakeholders that the company remains “deeply committed…

Politics

White House Denies Trump Used Two-Way Diaper During China Trade Talks

WASHINGTON—The White House has forcefully denied reports that President Donald Trump wore a “two-way diaper” during high-level China trade talks, calling the allegation “false,…

Life & Style

McDonald’s Announces Nationwide Free Restroom Day

McDonald’s announced today that every restroom in every participating location nationwide will be fully open to the public for one glorious day, allowing Americans…

Entertainment

Disappointed Fans Say ‘Michael’ Left Out The Exact Weird Stuff They Bought IMAX Tickets To See

LOS ANGELES—Viewers leaving the new Michael Jackson biopic Michael say the film delivers the dancing, the gloves, the family pressure, the stadium screams, and…

Entertainment

Tony Hinchcliffe Confirms The Moth Living In His Ear Has Hatched

AUSTIN, Texas – A tender new chapter in live roast comedy began Monday night at Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership, where Kill Tony host Tony…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Starlink Upgrades, Here’s What It Means For Your Sex Toys

HAWTHORNE, CA – Elon Musk has announced sweeping upgrades to the Starlink satellite network that he says will deliver internet speeds “approaching the speed…

Life & Style

Man With “Don’t Follow Me, I’m Going Fishing” Bumper Sticker Actually Going To Costco

SPRINGFIELD, OHIO – Local man Derek Holloway, 41, has been exposed as “a complete fucking fraud” after witnesses confirmed the owner of a pickup…

Music

Sickening: Oli Sykes Rewarded Bring Me The Horizon’s Most Loyal Front-Row Fans By Urinating Directly Onto Them

Bring Me The Horizon fans at the barricade got a little more intimacy than the VIP package promised.

Reviews

I Reviewed The Trump Phone For 72 Hours

NEW YORK CITY – After months of delays, revised promises, disappearing specifications, and a website that increasingly reads like a hostage note written by…

Opinion

Opinion: It Is Time To Rise Up Against Dairy Queen Before It Becomes Too Powerful To Defeat

Dairy Queen has become too powerful, and one concerned American wants hearings, zoning maps, and answers about the chili.