Life & Style

Jesus Returns Briefly Before Saying “Fuck This Shit” And Leaving Humanity To Figure It Out

JERUSALEM – The long-awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ lasted just under fourteen minutes Tuesday before the Son of God reportedly looked around at…

Science & Technology

Government Finally Begins Turning Frogs Straight Again After Years Of Public Pressure

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “a long overdue correction to the national amphibian trajectory,” the federal government confirmed Tuesday that it…

Music

Justin Bieber Announces New Album Featuring BTS, Korean War Anthems, Says It’s “Mostly For NATO”

LOS ANGELES — Justin Bieber announced Tuesday that his upcoming collaborative album with BTS will feature reimagined Korean War marching songs, heavily auto-tuned artillery…

Politics

Trump Celebrates 2.5 Consecutive Months Of Ending Iran War

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump on Tuesday marked what the White House called “a historic 75-day streak” of ending the war with Iran, telling…

Music

Metal Band Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team Returns With New Song Titled “Festering Puss Annihilation Combo Driver”

CLEVELAND – Extreme metal group Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team announced Tuesday that it would be returning after a seven year hiatus…

Politics

Wendy’s Declared Strategic Nuclear Power

DUBLIN, OH – Global leaders convened in Brussels on Tuesday after Wendy’s successfully annexed three airport terminals, a mid-sized Baltic nation, and roughly 84…

Music

Vince Staples — Cry Baby Record Review

Vince Staples has spent the better part of a decade perfecting a style of rap that sounds like somebody documenting the collapse of modern…

Music

Dogstar Finally Releases Album For Men Who Stare Out Hotel Windows During Rainstorms

LOS ANGELES – After years of quietly existing as “Keanu Reeves’ band” in the same way artisanal mustard exists as “the thing next to…

Entertainment

Taylor Swift And Travis Kelce Officially Break Up

NEW YORK — After months of speculation, multiple insider reports, and one emotionally devastating Subway lunch order, global pop icon Taylor Swift and Travis…

Music

Country Star Returns To Roots With Song About Trucks, Heartbreak And Farmers

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Country music fans across America erupted into tears Friday after singer Wade Buckley released his latest single, “Dirt Between Us,” a…