Business

A Win For Equality: Nando’s Replaces Every Toilet With Gender-Neutral Urinals

Nando's Australia is piloting gender-neutral urinals by removing every toilet from select restaurants, calling the bad room a win for equality.

Culture

Promising Update: Nick Fuentes Says He Is Getting Extremely Close To Figuring Out Women

The commentator says only one final geographic mystery stands between him and total understanding.

Politics

Public-Private Partnership: Trump Appoints Time Apple To Run Every Clock In America After Learning Tim Cook Already Works At Apple

The White House says Time Apple will coordinate iPhones, watches, daylight saving, and whatever the president thinks Apple CEO Tim Cook is called.

Politics

Opinion: I Miss When Joe Biden Would Pat Me On The Back And Call Me Sport

America has lost something important, and I am not talking about decorum, bipartisanship, or whatever cable news is mad about today.

Music

Ceasefire Declared: Björk Ends Decades-Long Campaign Of Making Israeli Citizens Listen To Björk

After more than 30 years of glacial shrieks, geological synths, and songs that made listeners feel judged by a harp, Björk has withdrawn her…

Music

Charli XCX Refuses To Explain ‘Rock Music,’ Forcing Nation’s Least Fuckable Men To Decide Whether They Are Angry Or Horny

Charli XCX has released a song called Rock Music and refused to explain it, forcing the internet's worst music listeners into crisis.

Entertainment

Accountability: Seth Rogen Says Kanye West Must Become A Luxury Bong With Opinions Before Attempting Comeback

After criticizing Kanye West's comeback, Seth Rogen proposed a more responsible path back into public life: pottery, tasteful weed accessories, and enough therapy-coded interviews…

Politics

Finally: Police Doing Their Jobs By Tackling Student Before She Could Finish Anti-Poverty Lunch

Police restored public confidence by arresting a 21-year-old anti-poverty activist during lunch before she could finish eating and continue believing poor people should have…

Culture

Heartbreaking: School Bully Just Got Suspended For Teaching Weaker Beta Kids The Important Life Lesson That There Will Always Be Someone Bigger And Stronger Than You

A heartbreaking blow to practical education after a middle school bully is punished for teaching smaller kids that power exists.

Entertainment

UH OH: If Jeff Bezos Is ‘Temu Lex Luthor,’ Bill Gates Is Superman With An Epstein Footnote

The country briefly enjoyed a perfect Bezos insult before realizing its replacement Superman had several dinners with Jeffrey Epstein, a Microsoft antitrust history, and…