Gary Marcus Announces IRS “Will Never See A Fucking Nickel,” Challenges Federal Government To “Pull Up”

NEW YORK — Cognitive scientist and AI critic Gary Marcus reportedly spent most of Tuesday afternoon posting through it after declaring that the Internal Revenue Service “is not getting one fucking cent” from him this year, escalating what began as a routine extension filing into what sources describe as “a deeply annoying personal jihad against taxation.”

Marcus made the announcement during a 96-minute livestream filmed from his Manhattan apartment, where he sat beneath a bookshelf full of AI ethics texts while casually informing federal authorities to “come at me with everything you have, cowards.”

“I am done funding a government that can’t distinguish between intelligence and autocomplete,” Marcus said, holding up what appeared to be a crumpled 1099 form covered in handwritten notes. “Also I bought a very expensive espresso machine this year and frankly I need the liquidity.”

The professor, who has spent years warning the public that large language models are unreliable, dangerous, and fundamentally incapable of reasoning, reportedly became furious after TurboTax suggested he owed approximately $38,000 in federal taxes.

Witnesses say Marcus spent nearly four hours arguing with the software before accusing the IRS itself of stochastic parroting.

“He kept yelling that taxation is just next-token prediction for bureaucrats,” said neighbor Colin Weiss, who could reportedly hear the rant through two apartment walls and a running dishwasher. “At one point he screamed ‘YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND CAUSALITY’.”

Damn.

According to attendees of the livestream, Marcus unveiled a 14-point anti-tax framework called The Alignment Problem But For My Money, arguing that citizens should not be legally obligated to fund institutions that refuse to reason symbolically.

Among his proposed alternatives to paying taxes:

• mailing Congress a detailed critique of transformer architectures
• paying the Treasury entirely in expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons
• “offsetting” his federal burden by posting long threads about OpenAI
• donating directly to whichever CVS cashier “looks exhausted enough”

At one point Marcus reportedly held up a copy of the tax code with dozens of sticky notes attached before announcing, “This document has worse hallucination rates than ChatGPT.”

An IRS spokesperson declined to comment on Marcus specifically, but issued a general statement reminding taxpayers that “public intellectual energy does not currently qualify as a deductible expense.”

The statement also clarified that repeatedly saying “I reject the premise” during an audit does not legally constitute filing.

Friends close to Marcus say the situation worsened after he became convinced the IRS chatbot had “outperformed” him in a customer service interaction.

“He was already irritated,” said media analyst Rebecca Linton, who appeared alongside Marcus at a recent AI conference. “But once the chatbot successfully explained estimated quarterly payments, something inside him snapped.”

Linton says Marcus immediately began referring to taxation as “an alignment failure.”

“He started saying things like, ‘If the state wants my money it should first explain object permanence.’ Nobody knew what that meant but he was extremely confident.”

Sources inside several AI policy circles confirmed that Marcus has since attempted to recruit support from other tech critics, although responses have reportedly been mixed.

One researcher allegedly replied to Marcus’s email with the sentence: “Gary this is just tax evasion.”

Marcus responded with a 3,700-word rebuttal titled Actually, The IRS Is Overfitting.

Ugh. No.

Meanwhile, federal officials reportedly remain unconcerned.

“Every six months some guy with a Substack decides he personally invented sovereign citizenship,” said IRS field agent Dana Holcomb. “Usually they calm down once we explain prison in adult terms.”

Holcomb added that Marcus’s repeated insistence that “W-2 forms are fundamentally non-generalizable” has not complicated the investigation.

At press time, Marcus was reportedly attempting to classify several podcast appearances as “humanitarian aid.”