Category: Science & Technology

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Unveils X Premium Genetics, Allows Subscribers To Receive “Verified” Elon Sperm Directly Through App

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced Monday that X will officially enter the fertility industry with the launch of X Premium Genetics, a subscription-based…

Science & Technology

Sam Altman Confirms OpenAI Now Capable Of Replacing Every Human Except Sam Altman

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that the company’s newest AI model has officially crossed the threshold into “full-spectrum human replacement,”…

Science & Technology

Local YouTube Developer Achieves Enlightenment After Realizing Every Human Being Is Dumber Than Him

AUSTIN — YouTube software personality Theo Browne who goes by the handle t3dotgg reportedly spent Monday uploading his seventh video this month explaining that…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Plan to Populate Mars, Says “It’s Time to Get Biblically Fruitful”

BOCA CHICA, TX — In a press conference held entirely in Latin and streamed at 2:37 AM via X (formerly Twitter), Elon Musk unveiled…

Science & Technology

Experts Claim Cyclone Alfred Controlled by HAARP to Boost Supermarket Profits

As Tropical Cyclone Alfred barrels towards the southeast Queensland coast, residents are scrambling to prepare for what could be one of the most destructive…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Controversial ‘Mandatory Fucking’ Policy for X Users

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Billionaire Elon Musk announced today that users of X (formerly Twitter) will soon be required to engage in mandatory fucking at least…

Science & Technology

Tech Breakthrough: GPT-4.5 is Now So Small You Can Literally Stuff It in Your Balls

OpenAI has officially revealed GPT-4.5, an AI so minuscule it comfortably fits inside a human testicle. Yep, you heard correctly. The latest model, lovingly…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Plan to Stockpile All Moon Cheese for Personal Consumption

Eccentric billionaire Elon Musk has announced his intention to hoard all of the cheese found on the moon for his own personal use. The…

Science & Technology

Government Officials Now Probing Cryptocurrency Investors’ Buttholes!

In a bold move to reel in those who have profited from the recent surge in cryptocurrency prices, the IRS has announced a new…

Science & Technology

Dr. Fauci and Bill Gates Announce Groundbreaking Partnership to Unleash ‘COVID-24’

The world’s most beloved and huggable villain, Dr. Anthony Fauci, has joined forces with the Zuckerberg of the nerdosphere, Bill Gates, to unveil their…