Government Finally Begins Turning Frogs Straight Again After Years Of Public Pressure
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “a long overdue correction to the national amphibian trajectory,” the federal government confirmed Tuesday that it has begun dumping a new series of experimental compounds into municipal water systems designed specifically to make frogs straight again.
The announcement follows years of mounting public concern after broadcaster Alex Jones repeatedly warned that chemicals in the water were “turning the frogs gay,” a claim scientists initially dismissed before quietly pivoting this week to admit that yes, technically, the frogs had become “noticeably more theatrical than baseline.”
“We may have overcorrected in the early 2000s,” admitted EPA administrator Dana Whitcomb during a tense press briefing held beside a visibly exhausted bullfrog in a small aquarium. “At the time, the goal was simply to improve runoff management and increase amphibian confidence levels. Nobody anticipated the frogs would begin hosting brunches and discussing lighting design.”
According to internal government documents leaked to reporters, the new initiative, called Operation Ribbit Restore, involves introducing “heteronormative stabilizers” into major waterways nationwide. Early test sites reportedly showed dramatic results within days.
“In one pond outside Des Moines, we observed two male frogs ending a six-year domestic partnership and immediately beginning a highly competitive lawn-care business,” said lead researcher Dr. Martin Ellery. “Another specimen stopped singing show tunes entirely and became deeply interested in offshore bass fishing.”
Federal officials insist the transition is already working.
At a demonstration outside the Capitol Reflecting Pool, reporters watched as several frogs ignored one another completely before one attempted to explain cryptocurrency to a female frog who appeared deeply uninterested. The crowd erupted into applause.
“This is the America I remember,” said one emotional attendee wearing wraparound Oakleys and a shirt reading YOU CAN’T SPELL PATRIOT WITHOUT RIOT. “For years my son couldn’t even take his tadpole to Little League without somebody asking if he was in theater.”
The White House celebrated the breakthrough cautiously, emphasizing that the administration supports “all frogs regardless of orientation,” while clarifying that “certain aquatic ecosystems had become a little much.”
“We’re not trying to erase anyone,” said Press Secretary Elaine Mercer. “We just reached a point where every frog in a three-mile radius owned at least one tiny scarf.”
Critics, however, argue the government’s response has gone too far.
Environmental groups warn the chemicals may carry unintended side effects. In several pilot regions, formerly gay frogs reportedly became aggressively straight within hours, exhibiting behaviors scientists described as “deeply divorced energy.”
One frog in rural Oklahoma allegedly purchased a jet ski, started a podcast about elk meat, and now refers to every meal as “fuel.” Another left his pond entirely after becoming convinced he could “flip houses.”
Biologists are especially alarmed by a growing subgroup of “alpha frogs” gathering near boat ramps to discuss testosterone supplements and World War II documentaries.
“We wanted balance,” said one researcher. “Instead we accidentally created amphibian Joe Rogan.”
Meanwhile, Alex Jones declared total victory during a four-hour emergency broadcast Tuesday evening.
“They called me insane,” Jones shouted while pounding a desk covered in dietary supplements and wet leaves. “Now the government admits they chemically altered frog sexuality and had to chemically unalter it. Folks, I was right. I was completely right. I’m basically amphibian Galileo.”
Jones then attempted to sell viewers a new line of water filters specifically designed to “keep your frogs somewhere in the middle.”
Congress has already proposed bipartisan legislation allocating $4.2 billion toward continued frog stabilization efforts, including grants for at-risk amphibians struggling to readjust to heterosexual pond life.
Support programs reportedly include camouflage workshops, truck financing education, and mandatory seminars titled “It’s Perfectly Normal To Own Three Different Grills.”
At press time, scientists confirmed a troubling new development after several chemically re-straightened frogs began posting shirtless truck selfies online with captions about “traditional values” despite living alone in a puddle behind an Arby’s.