Jesus Returns Briefly Before Saying “Fuck This Shit” And Leaving Humanity To Figure It Out
JERUSALEM – The long-awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ lasted just under fourteen minutes Tuesday before the Son of God reportedly looked around at modern civilization, muttered “absolutely not,” and ascended back into heaven at approximately three times the speed of sound.
Eyewitnesses say Christ initially appeared above Jerusalem shortly after sunrise in a burst of radiant light that triggered worldwide panic, several billion livestreams, and an immediate twelve percent surge in Christian-themed cryptocurrency.
“He came down exactly like the Bible said,” explained local pastor Greg Holloway, still visibly shaken. “Trumpets. White robes. Heavenly glow. Whole thing. Everybody dropped to their knees. Then he asked for a quick summary of what’s been happening since around 33 AD.”
According to multiple witnesses, the briefing lasted less than four minutes.
Sources close to the Messiah say Jesus became visibly uncomfortable after hearing the phrases “influencer boxing,” “AI-generated child content,” “megachurch private jets,” and “Arkham-style prison TikTok edits.”
“He stayed calm through most of it,” said Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Enzo Bellini. “But then somebody explained what a podcast comedian is. That seemed to break him spiritually.”
The moment reportedly escalated when Christ was shown a smartphone containing footage from a gender reveal party that accidentally burned down forty thousand acres.
Witnesses say Jesus stared silently at the screen before asking, “You gave everyone cameras and this is what happened?”
Global religious leaders attempted to regain control of the situation as panic spread through the crowd. The Archbishop of Canterbury urged patience while a coalition of American pastors insisted Jesus had merely arrived “in a deliberately mysterious alpha mindset.”
Things deteriorated further after Jesus was informed there were now over 45,000 Christian denominations, several of which refuse to speak to each other over coffee preparation methods.
“He asked what happened to loving thy neighbor,” said one exhausted interpreter. “Somebody tried explaining online discourse to him and his facial expression changed immediately. Like physically changed. His eyes just got tired.”
The final straw reportedly came when an aide showed Christ a compilation of people filming themselves helping homeless people for content.
According to those present, Jesus removed the microphone from his robe, looked directly at the assembled masses, and sighed heavily before delivering a short statement now considered the most viewed livestream in human history.
“Listen,” he said. “I did not die for whatever the fuck this is.”
The crowd reportedly fell silent.
“You have surveillance refrigerators. You have gambling apps for children. There are men named Brayden teaching cryptocurrency motivation seminars out of abandoned Sears locations. One of you made a vape shaped like a USB stick. I leave for two thousand years and every fourth person is somehow both a life coach and deeply unwell.”
World leaders attempted to approach Christ as financial markets collapsed in real time. Several governments briefly launched emergency repentance initiatives while the United Nations entered what officials described as “full theological containment mode.”
Jesus reportedly continued speaking for another two minutes before finally shaking his head and pointing toward Earth.
“No,” he said. “Fuck this shit. You’re on your own.”
He then ascended directly into the clouds while approximately six million people simultaneously opened meditation apps for the first time in their lives.
Within hours, world religions had already fractured over what he meant by “on your own.”
One rapidly growing sect insists the statement was metaphorical. Another believes humanity has entered what scholars are calling the Post-Salvation Era. A third simply sells T-shirts reading HE SAW YOUR SEARCH HISTORY.
At press time, heaven had reportedly disabled comments.