Man With “Don’t Follow Me, I’m Going Fishing” Bumper Sticker Actually Going To Costco
SPRINGFIELD, OHIO – Local man Derek Holloway, 41, has been exposed as “a complete fucking fraud” after witnesses confirmed the owner of a pickup truck displaying a large “DON’T FOLLOW ME, I’M GOING FISHING” bumper sticker was in fact driving to Costco Saturday afternoon to purchase bulk snacks for his heavily pregnant wife.
According to sources inside the store, Holloway entered the warehouse at approximately 1:17 p.m. wearing wraparound Oakleys, flip flops, and a Bass Pro Shops hat before immediately steering his cart toward the chip aisle with the exhausted posture of a man who had recently received a text reading “if u come home without kettle chips dont even bother.”
“He had the whole fishing guy aesthetic,” said Costco employee Marcus Delaney. “Cargo shorts. Sunburnt neck. One of those shirts about beer being cheaper than therapy. Then I watched him spend 26 straight minutes comparing family-size chip varieties while talking to his wife on FaceTime.”
Shoppers say Holloway repeatedly reassured his wife that he was “checking all the options” before slowly rotating a 1.8-kilogram bag of Kirkland tortilla chips in his hands like a sommelier evaluating a pinot noir.
“He looked terrified,” said shopper Denise Keller. “Not scared of her exactly. More scared of getting the wrong ridges.”
The revelation has shaken confidence in America’s fishing bumper sticker community, long considered one of the nation’s last honest subcultures.
“These stickers used to mean something,” said bumper sticker historian Alan Pierce, standing beside a framed photo of a 1997 Skeeter bass boat. “Back then, if a man said he was going fishing, he disappeared for nine hours and came back smelling like river mud and Busch Light. Now they’re buying prenatal gummies and arguing about whether kettle cooked chips are too sharp for acid reflux.”
Investigators later confirmed Holloway purchased:
• Two industrial bags of jalapeño kettle chips
• One 48-pack of sparkling water
• A tub of peanut butter pretzels “the size of a baptismal font”
• Frozen mozzarella sticks
• Three rotisserie chickens
• A 96-roll pallet of toilet paper
• One pregnancy body pillow he claimed he was “just carrying to the car”
Witnesses say Holloway briefly paused near the outdoor section and stared silently at a fishing kayak for almost 90 seconds before receiving another text message and immediately proceeding toward the checkout lanes at a speed described as “military.”
Outside the store, Holloway was reportedly seen loading snacks into the truck beneath the fishing bumper sticker while avoiding eye contact with nearby men genuinely towing boats.
One witness attempted to ask him what lake he was headed to before Holloway allegedly muttered “my wife wants the kettle cooked ones now” and drove away with tears visibly forming behind his polarized sunglasses.