Entertainment

Local Woman Clarifies Her Pitbull Would Never Hurt Anyone Because He Is A 44-Year-Old Grammy Winner

A local woman keeps terrifying neighbors by saying her Pitbull would never hurt anyone before clarifying she means the Grammy-winning musician.

Life & Style

Local Dad Enters Craft Brewing Era, Forces Entire Cul-De-Sac To Learn What Mouthfeel Means

A local dad enters his craft brewing era and forces the entire cul-de-sac to learn what mouthfeel means.

Life & Style

Local Mom Continues Calling Baby ‘Heartbreaker’ Despite Mounting Community Confusion

A Cincinnati mom keeps calling her baby a heartbreaker despite mounting confusion from the local moms circle.

Opinion

I Thought Reverse Cramer Was A Sex Position

NEW YORK – For nearly two years, I believed “reverse Cramer” referred to an aggressive but ultimately disappointing sex position performed by divorced people…

Culture

Grand Theft Auto VI Leak Has Longtime Fans Quietly Asking, “Wait, Can The Game Judge You Now?”

The rumored Public Presence system allegedly tracks the real crimes: bad parking, indoor vaping, boat-ramp behavior, and making every waitress regret eye contact.

Culture

‘Still Your Friend’: Tom From MySpace Reveals He Is Waiting Online For Millennials To Come Back

Tom from MySpace is reportedly still online and waiting for millennials to return after every other platform became a slot machine with push notifications.

Science & Technology

Tech Leaders Promise AI Will Not Replace Humans, Merely Reassign Them As Organic Battery Units

Tech leaders reassure workers that AI will not replace them, only reassign them as warm stationary battery units for server infrastructure.

Science & Technology

Tibo From OpenAI Has Been Quietly Taking Money From Big Reset, Which Explains The Button

SAN FRANCISCO — Thibault Sottiaux, the OpenAI member of technical staff closely associated with Codex, has been quietly receiving payments from the reset button…

Life & Style

Drunk Uncle Still Slipping You $20 And Calling You A Good Kid Despite Mounting Evidence You Are A 34-Year-Old Man

A drunk uncle continues slipping his 34-year-old nephew twenty dollars and calling him a good kid despite clear evidence of adulthood.

Music

Review: Periphery’s ‘A Pale White Dot’ Sounds Like A Gaming PC Trying To Win Custody

Periphery's new album is huge, immaculate, and emotionally structured like a custody hearing conducted inside a $14,000 gaming PC.