Music

Charli XCX Refuses To Explain ‘Rock Music,’ Forcing Nation’s Least Fuckable Men To Decide Whether They Are Angry Or Horny

Charli XCX has released a song called Rock Music and refused to explain it, forcing the internet's worst music listeners into crisis.

Entertainment

Accountability: Seth Rogen Says Kanye West Must Become A Luxury Bong With Opinions Before Attempting Comeback

After criticizing Kanye West's comeback, Seth Rogen proposed a more responsible path back into public life: pottery, tasteful weed accessories, and enough therapy-coded interviews…

Politics

Finally: Police Doing Their Jobs By Tackling Student Before She Could Finish Anti-Poverty Lunch

Police restored public confidence by arresting a 21-year-old anti-poverty activist during lunch before she could finish eating and continue believing poor people should have…

Culture

Heartbreaking: School Bully Just Got Suspended For Teaching Weaker Beta Kids The Important Life Lesson That There Will Always Be Someone Bigger And Stronger Than You

A heartbreaking blow to practical education after a middle school bully is punished for teaching smaller kids that power exists.

Entertainment

UH OH: If Jeff Bezos Is ‘Temu Lex Luthor,’ Bill Gates Is Superman With An Epstein Footnote

The country briefly enjoyed a perfect Bezos insult before realizing its replacement Superman had several dinners with Jeffrey Epstein, a Microsoft antitrust history, and…

Entertainment

James Cameron Announces Avatar 4 Will Be Filmed Entirely Inside A Single Drop Of Water

LOS ANGELES—James Cameron has reportedly informed a small, frightened group of studio executives that the next Avatar film will be shot entirely inside a…

Music

Good News: Taylor Swift Has Trademarked Everything Except Talent, Which Remains Safely In The Public Domain

Swift's lawyers have protected phrases, eras, greetings, and several merchandise-ready nouns, but officials say no filing has yet established exclusive rights to hitting the…

Music

CDC Warns THALL Mind Virus Has Thousands Of Men Calling Underpasses ‘Vildhjarta-Coded’

Officials say exposure to Vildhjarta riffs may cause men to lose normal vocabulary and begin treating drainage tunnels like sacred texts.

Science & Technology

Opinion: Spotify’s Disco Ball Logo Was Good And Everyone Who Complained Should Have Their Wrapped Read Aloud In Court

For one beautiful week, a music app finally admitted it was a glowing little shame orb that knew every bad decision you made after…

Music

BOMBSHELL: We Reveal Every Single Sleep Token Member’s Identity Because No More Hiding, Cowards

After years of masks, symbols, rituals, and fan theories, VanFlip can finally reveal the extremely ordinary British men standing behind Vessel, II, III, and…