Species Fraud: Doja Cat Exposed As Lying Little Scoundrel Who Is Not Actually A Cat

LOS ANGELES – In a stunning blow to fans who have spent years believing the music industry still had room for one honest mammal, Doja Cat was forced to clarify this week that she is not, in fact, a cat.

The admission came during a tense press conference after investigators from the Department of Celebrity Stage Names presented what they described as “overwhelming species inconsistencies,” including tax records, dental records, and several hours of footage in which the rapper failed to knock a glass of water off a counter despite having every opportunity.

“For the avoidance of doubt, Doja Cat is a recording artist, a performer, and a public figure,” said crisis consultant Marla Penn, standing beside a cat tree nobody had the courage to move. “She is not a domestic shorthair, a tabby, a Maine coon, or a small filthy scoundrel crouched under a heat lamp, despite certain online interpretations of the brand.”

The room reportedly fell silent as Doja sat beside a stainless steel food bowl and declined to offer even one convincing meow. Witnesses say she also refused to chase a red laser dot across the floor, ignored a feather wand, and remained fully calm when someone opened a can of tuna in the hallway.

“I feel betrayed,” said 26-year-old fan Alana Briggs, who admitted she had purchased three albums, two tour shirts, and a scratching post she now describes as “emotionally complicated.” “You build a relationship with an artist, and then one day you find out she pays rent, has knees, and probably understands mirrors. It’s disgusting.”

Representatives for Doja Cat stressed that the name had always been an artistic identity rather than a legally binding zoological promise. That explanation did little to satisfy critics, who argued that a decent society cannot function if entertainers are allowed to call themselves whatever they want without first completing a basic vet intake form.

Public anger intensified after reporters learned that Doja had spent years walking upright, opening doors with hands, and releasing professionally mixed songs instead of leaving dead moths under furniture. One anonymous industry source called the behavior “not technically illegal, but pretty damn suspicious for someone with Cat right there in the name.”

By Thursday afternoon, fans had begun combing through old music videos for clues, citing her use of human language, complex choreography, and visible lack of whiskers as evidence the deception may have been hiding in plain sight. Others defended the artist, noting that very few actual cats can headline arenas without becoming impossible during soundcheck.

At press time, Doja Cat had reportedly left the building through the front door like a regular person, dealing one final insult to fans who had hoped she would escape through a heating duct and refuse to come down for six hours.