Business

Punishing Progress: Slim Jim Announced A New Meat Stick Made From Several Endangered Animals And PETA Is Being Weird About It

Slim Jim says Endangered Reserve gives Americans the kind of scarcity they can taste, while PETA and several laws appear to disagree.

Science & Technology

Bad News: The Bond Market Remembered Inflation Exists And Started Screaming At AI Stocks

Markets were ready to believe AI had solved inflation until oil, yields, and math returned with a clipboard.

Music

Talking Heads Announce First New Album In Decades

NEW YORK CITY – After months of speculation fueled by cryptic social media activity and several sightings of Talking Heads members entering the same…

Life & Style

Breakthrough: Joe Rogan Announces He Is Now Joe Rogain After Three Small Patches Of Hair Agree To Come Back

The podcaster says the tiny scalp uprising proves that men can achieve anything with discipline, supplements, and refusing to look directly at the mirror.

Kim Kardashian Has Failed Barista School

LOS ANGELES – Kim Kardashian’s latest professional reinvention ended this week in the only place that still believes in standards, a strip-mall barista certification…

Science & Technology

Kanye West Spotted Wearing Anthropic’s New AI Safety Butt Plug

The new wearable reportedly delivers real-time constitutional feedback whenever the user attempts to start a sentence everyone in the room already regrets.

Entertainment

Margot Robbie Has Been Lying About Her Birthplace This Entire Time

A VanFlip investigation into Margot Robbie, Dalby, and the Queensland fruit landmark now at the center of a celebrity birthplace mystery.

Music

Drake’s Three New Albums Are So Bad Trump Needs To Send Troops To Canada Immediately

After Drake dropped Iceman, Habibti, and Maid of Honour, several officials became convinced Canada had lost control of its most dangerous export.

Culture

Heartbreaking: Pete Davidson Reportedly Split From Elsie Hewitt After Their Baby Refused To Laugh At His New-Dad Material

The couple's daughter is said to be the top priority, despite having contributed almost nothing to the household's comedy climate.

Music

Rick Rubin Finally Gets Caught Out

LOS ANGELES – Music producer Rick Rubin is facing mounting scrutiny this week after a three-month industry investigation concluded that he may not have…