Politics

Sweet Gesture: President Trump Gifted Xi Jinping A Pot Of Honey And Asked If China Was Finally Ready To Get Serious About Bees

President Donald Trump marked a diplomatic meeting with Xi Jinping by presenting a jar of American honey and several minutes of bee-adjacent confidence.

Life & Style

Americans Relieved To Learn Hantavirus Requires More Effort Than COVID

ATLANTA – Public health officials recently confirmed that hantavirus has officially replaced COVID-19 as the disease people mention at brunch to demonstrate they read…

Science & Technology

Musk Demands OpenAI Return To Being Weird Little Nonprofit Nobody Understood

OAKLAND, Calif. – The federal courtroom overseeing the increasingly hostile legal dispute between Elon Musk and OpenAI briefly paused Wednesday after both parties attempted…

Opinion

We Stopped Letting Kids Play Violent Video Games And Now None Of Them Can Change A Tire Under Gunfire

For twenty years, nervous pediatricians, suburban mothers, and men who still say “the Nintendo” have warned America that violent video games create violent behavior.…

Life & Style

Jesus Returns Briefly Before Saying “Fuck This Shit” And Leaving Humanity To Figure It Out

JERUSALEM – The long-awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ lasted just under fourteen minutes Tuesday before the Son of God reportedly looked around at…

Science & Technology

Government Finally Begins Turning Frogs Straight Again After Years Of Public Pressure

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “a long overdue correction to the national amphibian trajectory,” the federal government confirmed Tuesday that it…

Music

Justin Bieber Announces New Album Featuring BTS, Korean War Anthems, Says It’s “Mostly For NATO”

LOS ANGELES — Justin Bieber announced Tuesday that his upcoming collaborative album with BTS will feature reimagined Korean War marching songs, heavily auto-tuned artillery…

Politics

Trump Celebrates 2.5 Consecutive Months Of Ending Iran War

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump on Tuesday marked what the White House called “a historic 75-day streak” of ending the war with Iran, telling…

Music

Metal Band Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team Returns With New Song Titled “Festering Puss Annihilation Combo Driver”

CLEVELAND – Extreme metal group Semen Deer Hunter Abortion Tactical SWAT Team announced Tuesday that it would be returning after a seven year hiatus…

Politics

Wendy’s Declared Strategic Nuclear Power

DUBLIN, OH – Global leaders convened in Brussels on Tuesday after Wendy’s successfully annexed three airport terminals, a mid-sized Baltic nation, and roughly 84…