Category: Science & Technology

Science & Technology

Bad News: The Bond Market Remembered Inflation Exists And Started Screaming At AI Stocks

Markets were ready to believe AI had solved inflation until oil, yields, and math returned with a clipboard.

Science & Technology

Kanye West Spotted Wearing Anthropic’s New AI Safety Butt Plug

The new wearable reportedly delivers real-time constitutional feedback whenever the user attempts to start a sentence everyone in the room already regrets.

Music

Bad News For Clean Jeans: Fractal Is Readying The Release of The FM10 With Touchscreen And Enough SHARC Power To Ruin Guitar Forums

The FM9 successor reportedly keeps the sacred nine-switch footprint, adds the touchscreen everyone pretends not to want, and sells the expression pedal separately because…

Science & Technology

Musk Demands OpenAI Return To Being Weird Little Nonprofit Nobody Understood

OAKLAND, Calif. – The federal courtroom overseeing the increasingly hostile legal dispute between Elon Musk and OpenAI briefly paused Wednesday after both parties attempted…

Science & Technology

Government Finally Begins Turning Frogs Straight Again After Years Of Public Pressure

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “a long overdue correction to the national amphibian trajectory,” the federal government confirmed Tuesday that it…

Science & Technology

Tech Industry Eliminates 400,000 Jobs To Make Room For Exciting New AI Jobs Nobody Can Name

SAN FRANCISCO — Another week, another tech company announcing mass layoffs while explaining that artificial intelligence represents an extraordinary opportunity for workers to transition…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Unveils X Premium Genetics, Allows Subscribers To Receive “Verified” Elon Sperm Directly Through App

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced Monday that X will officially enter the fertility industry with the launch of X Premium Genetics, a subscription-based…

Science & Technology

Sam Altman Confirms OpenAI Now Capable Of Replacing Every Human Except Sam Altman

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that the company’s newest AI model has officially crossed the threshold into “full-spectrum human replacement,”…

Science & Technology

Local YouTube Developer Achieves Enlightenment After Realizing Every Human Being Is Dumber Than Him

AUSTIN — YouTube software personality Theo Browne who goes by the handle t3dotgg reportedly spent Monday uploading his seventh video this month explaining that…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Announces Plan to Populate Mars, Says “It’s Time to Get Biblically Fruitful”

BOCA CHICA, TX — In a press conference held entirely in Latin and streamed at 2:37 AM via X (formerly Twitter), Elon Musk unveiled…