Category: Culture

Science & Technology

Troubling Side Effect: The Enhanced Games Are Having Difficulty Keeping Viewers Up

The Enhanced Games promised medically supervised superhumans, but the broadcast is struggling with the same problem as chemically ambitious men everywhere: keeping anyone interested.

Music

Damage Control: The Hives Clarify Their Onstage Hard-Ons Are Load-Bearing

The Hives say fans misunderstood the hard-ons they walk onstage with, which are apparently structural supports keeping the whole show upright.

Music

Parkway Drive Members Stunned To Learn Man Everyone Called Chode Was Giving Off Chode Vibes The Whole Time

Fans revisiting old Parkway Drive footage are asking how everyone missed the warning sign of a man known exclusively as Chode.

Music

Sleep Token Announce New Album Salt Cathedral And Absolutely No One Is Allowed To Admit It Might Just Be About Salt

Sleep Token announce Salt Cathedral, forcing fans to decode salt, water sounds, deluxe vinyl packaging, and whether the whole thing might just be about…

Science & Technology

Literacy Crisis: Neo-Nazis Showed Up To Mira Murati’s Neopets Demo After Misreading The Announcement

Former OpenAI executive Mira Murati reportedly unveiled a wholesome virtual-pet revival to investors, nostalgic millennials, and several men who stopped reading after “neo.”

Music

Species Fraud: Doja Cat Exposed As Lying Little Scoundrel Who Is Not Actually A Cat

The artist reportedly failed several basic feline tests, including the laser pointer, the cardboard box, and pretending not to hear her own name.

Music

Humiliating: Sleep Token’s Vessel Got Sick On A Renaissance Fair Rollercoaster And Slurred ‘I’m Vessel’ At A Concerned Falconer

The masked frontman reportedly lost the ancient mystery after one lap on a child-sized dragon coaster and a heroic paper cup of water.

Culture

Damage Control: Sneako Clarifies He Came On The Cuck Couch To Demonstrate What Happens When Men Stop Reading Plato

Sneako explains the hotel couch situation as a brave philosophical stand against Western decline.

Life & Style

Concerning: Theo Von Has Developed A Sick Little Motor Oil Obsession And Keeps Calling It Country Espresso

The comedian insists the dipstick is part of a wellness ritual, while everyone else in the studio asks why the coasters are permanently ruined.

Science & Technology

Cosmic Horror: Neil deGrasse Tyson Lost A Quarter Down The Couch And Keeps Calling It An Event Horizon

The astrophysicist says the coin has not vanished, merely crossed into a region of spacetime where loose change and remote controls stop returning calls.