Science & Technology

Tech Industry Eliminates 400,000 Jobs To Make Room For Exciting New AI Jobs Nobody Can Name

SAN FRANCISCO — Another week, another tech company announcing mass layoffs while explaining that artificial intelligence represents an extraordinary opportunity for workers to transition…

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Unveils X Premium Genetics, Allows Subscribers To Receive “Verified” Elon Sperm Directly Through App

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced Monday that X will officially enter the fertility industry with the launch of X Premium Genetics, a subscription-based…

Science & Technology

Sam Altman Confirms OpenAI Now Capable Of Replacing Every Human Except Sam Altman

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that the company’s newest AI model has officially crossed the threshold into “full-spectrum human replacement,”…

Politics

Federal Budget Reveals Australians Technically Still Rich If You Ignore Everything They Spend Money On

CANBERRA — Treasurer Jim Chalmers unveiled the 2026 federal budget Tuesday night, confirming the Albanese government’s bold new economic strategy of giving Australians $14…

Science & Technology

Local YouTube Developer Achieves Enlightenment After Realizing Every Human Being Is Dumber Than Him

AUSTIN — YouTube software personality Theo Browne who goes by the handle t3dotgg reportedly spent Monday uploading his seventh video this month explaining that…

Politics

Donald Trump Breaks World Record For 8-Hour Blink After White House Clarifies He Was Never Sleeping

WASHINGTON, D.C. President Donald Trump made medical history Monday after completing what White House officials are calling the longest authenticated blink ever performed by…

Music

Protecting The Consumer: Fans Are Demanding Lower Ticket Prices Because They Apparently Hate Modern Capitalism So Much

Fans say they want cheaper tickets and fewer fees, which seems suspiciously hostile to the fragile miracle of modern capitalism.

Entertainment

Burger King Sued By Elvis Presley Estate Over Unauthorized Use Of “King”

The estate of Elvis Presley filed a lawsuit against Burger King, accusing the fast food chain of unlawfully presenting itself as “The King” despite…

Life & Style

Meeting Enters Second Hour, Employees Begin Quietly Accepting This As Reality

A meeting that experts confirmed should have been either documented in the company wiki or a seven minute Loom video entered its second hour…

Life & Style

Racist Man Warns About Foreign Influence Through 97 International Supply Chains

DAYTON, OHIO – Local man Greg Hensley issued a stern warning Tuesday evening about the dangers of trusting “non-Western folks” during a 43-comment Facebook…