Category
Category: Business
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Science & Technology
Investor Relations: SpaceX Announces Free Handjobs For Anyone Who Gets In Before The IPO
The company said fleece vests no longer captured the depth of shareholder gratitude.
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Business
Bad News: The Endangered Animal McDonald’s Was Using In Its Soft Serve Has Officially Gone Extinct
McDonald's faces a dessert texture crisis after the endangered animal allegedly holding its soft serve together goes extinct.
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Business
Carnival Announces Disease Transparency Initiative After Passengers Ask Why Floating Buffets Full Of Retired Strangers Still Exist
Cruise lines promise real-time cough maps and vomit alerts as passengers continue booking giant wet malls with buffet access.
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Science & Technology
Customer-First: Tesla Will Start Installing Popcorn In Airbags For First Responders Trying To Pry You Out
Tesla says the feature will give firefighters a warm snack during the critical minutes when the doors stay shut and the battery becomes weather.
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Life & Style
Helpful: Kleenex Has Started Pre-Staining Its Tissues With Blood To Save Everyone A Step
Kleenex has introduced First Dab, a tissue line that arrives pre-stained with blood so customers can skip the awkward white-tissue part.
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Business
Rome Has Fallen: Domino’s Set To Phase Out Complimentary Butt Slap For Orders Over $30
The chain says the $30 threshold will still trigger rewards points, which is not the same and everyone knows it.
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Business
Federal Reserve Announces Economy Will Now Be Adjusted Using One Giant Thermostat In JPMorgan Chase Basement
The Federal Reserve has reportedly replaced monetary policy with one extremely powerful basement thermostat labeled Recession, Boat Summer, and Egg Prices.
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Business
Coca-Cola Announces New Pre-Shaken Soda That Arrives Already Warm And Slightly Opened
Coca-Cola announces Coke Familiar, a pre-shaken soda that arrives already warm, dented, and slightly opened.
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Business
Papa Johns Facing Investor Revolt After New Pizza For People Who Still Clap When Planes Land Campaign Tanks
Papa Johns faces investor panic after its Backyard Cobb Za campaign makes customers remember ordinary pepperoni exists.
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Business
Office In Crisis After Work Husband Tim And Work Wife Sarah Announce They Are Getting A Divorce
The whole office is talking after beloved work husband and work wife Tim and Sarah announced their separation, forcing coworkers to divide up coffee…
