Author
Author: Tony McDonald
Tony McDonald writes about business, media, and public figures making the kind of choices that require a prepared statement.
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Politics
Healing The Brand: Starbucks Says Union Stores Will Get Bathroom Key Once Corporate Finishes Processing
The company said it supports access, dignity, and all other values that can be discussed after management finishes feeling attacked.
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Entertainment
Convenience Fee: Ticketmaster Adds $18 Charge For The Moment You Realize You Are Being Fucked
Executives said the new fee captures an important part of the live-event journey, namely the exact second hope leaves the body.
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Entertainment
Synergy: Warner Bros Discovery Deal Will Finally Let CNN Report From Inside HBO Bathroom
Executives said the combined company will create prestige journalism where every breaking update carries the emotional humidity of a resort murder.
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Life & Style
Value Menu: McDonald’s Adds Surge Pricing For People Crying In Drive-Thru
The chain said late-night sobbing demand has created pricing pressure around fries, Coke, and being asked to pull forward.
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Business
Bad News: The Endangered Animal McDonald’s Was Using In Its Soft Serve Has Officially Gone Extinct
McDonald's faces a dessert texture crisis after the endangered animal allegedly holding its soft serve together goes extinct.
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Business
Carnival Announces Disease Transparency Initiative After Passengers Ask Why Floating Buffets Full Of Retired Strangers Still Exist
Cruise lines promise real-time cough maps and vomit alerts as passengers continue booking giant wet malls with buffet access.
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Business
Rome Has Fallen: Domino’s Set To Phase Out Complimentary Butt Slap For Orders Over $30
The chain says the $30 threshold will still trigger rewards points, which is not the same and everyone knows it.
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Business
Coca-Cola Announces New Pre-Shaken Soda That Arrives Already Warm And Slightly Opened
Coca-Cola announces Coke Familiar, a pre-shaken soda that arrives already warm, dented, and slightly opened.
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Business
Papa Johns Facing Investor Revolt After New Pizza For People Who Still Clap When Planes Land Campaign Tanks
Papa Johns faces investor panic after its Backyard Cobb Za campaign makes customers remember ordinary pepperoni exists.
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Business
‘We Know You Need A Battery Right Now’: RadioShack Returns After Discovering Americans Still Panic-Buy One Weird Adapter
RadioShack has returned after discovering Americans still need a physical store for one weird battery, one weird adapter, and a man named Dennis.
