In what is being labelled as a ground-breaking feminist achievement, Hollywood has announced an all-female, LGBTQI+-inclusive reboot of the classic 1997 film Titanic. This revolutionary narrative update will chart the new course of sinking sexist and heteronormative expectations faster than the original ship hit that pesky iceberg.
The promising remake, aptly titled “Titanique: Sailing Past Gender,” is slated for release in 2023, when it will attempt to dismantle the patriarchy while offering a historically inaccurate-yet-empowering representation of the 1912 disaster. We’re truly strapped in our life jackets for this sea change in cinematic history!
In this version, the iconic roles of Jack and Rose will be played by the legendary Scarlett Johansson and the trailblazing Tessa Thompson, respectively. These powerful women and the entire ship’s crew identify as LGBTQI+, rebuking societal gender norms in a defiant and inspiring display of unity. As our protagonist, Rosie, a nonbinary lesbian, solemnly declares in the opening scene, “Heteronormativity is the real iceberg, and we are here to forge a path beyond it.”
Acclaimed female producer Ava DuVernay leads the cinematic voyage, teaming up with visionary filmmaker Agnes Wokestrom. This dynamic duo navigates the Titanique to introduce revolutionary themes catering to modern-day sensibilities, such as a vegan, zero-waste cruise, non-gendered restroom facilities, and a renewed commitment to measuring social distance – not just between passengers but in every aspect of daily life. The film’s motto is “Sailing Together, But Socially Responsible.” It doesn’t get more inclusive than that!
The courageous crew of the Titanique will fight adversity at every turn, smashing archaic ideas of gender and sexuality like a champagne bottle on the bow of a freshly commissioned ship. Aside from addressing societal inequality, the film incorporates state-of-the-art special effects to make its audience intimately experience different sexual orientations and gender identities. This breakthrough technology, dubbed “GenderVision,” was developed by the California-based tech startup GV Innovations, who spent the last five years finding the perfect gender-awareness algorithm that translates seamlessly onto the silver screen.
‘Mr. Monopoly’ will make a cameo appearance, representing the evils of capitalism that ultimately contributed to the tragedy of the real-life Titanic. The film’s climax will be a heart-wrenching scene of Rosie and Jakeline sharing their last moments together as an inspiring group of non-binary mermaids work diligently to save their fellow passengers from freezing waters.
Critics already say this LGBTQI+-forward remake signifies a new wave of social consciousness in Hollywood as it sets sail towards the horizon of gender equity. Titanic aficionados and gender revolutionaries alike can’t wait for the Titanique to take them into a world that redefines not only the 1912 disaster but the very fabric of society as we know it.
Titanique: Sailing Past Gender is about to unfurl its sails and embark upon a voyage to tear down stereotypes deeply rooted in our culture. This film will sink the patriarchy once and for all, and the world will never be the same again.
