Life & Style

Pope Francis Orders Vatican to “Party Like It’s 999” as He Nears the End

ROME – With Pope Francis clinging to life in Gemelli Hospital, the Vatican dropped a bombshell Monday afternoon that has Catholics worldwide clutching their…

Entertainment

Alec Baldwin Secretly Celebrates Trump’s Re-Election: ‘Finally, Four More Years of Steady Work!’

HOLLYWOOD, CA — While many in Hollywood recoiled in horror at Donald Trump’s shocking return to the White House, sources close to everyone’s favorite…

Boomer Leaves Phone Flashlight On for Three Days

SPRINGFIELD, IL – A local 67-year-old man, Richard “Rick” Thompson, has reportedly had his phone flashlight on for three consecutive days and still has…

Entertainment

Opinion: Travis Kelce Is Human Garbage, And It’s Time We Admit It

America has had its fair share of villains—Benedict Arnold, the guy who invented robocalls, whoever keeps putting lettuce on my cheeseburger—but none have been…

Music

Sleep Token Announces New Album, Tracklist Leaks Mysteriously Online

Mysterious, mask-clad, genre-defying cult favorite Sleep Token has announced their highly anticipated new album, titled Devotions and Detachments, sending fans into a spiral of excitement, introspection, and…

Entertainment

YouTube Guitarist Jared Dines Exposed as Absolute Monster

SEATTLE, WA — Your favorite YouTube guitar is a monster, we’re sorry. Sources have confirmed that YouTube guitarist Jared Dines is, in fact, a…

Quizes

QUIZ: Grandma’s About to Kick the Bucket—How Will You Spend Your Inheritance?

Look, we all love Grandma. She’s a sweet old lady with a heart of gold, a purse full of peppermint candies, and a suspiciously…

Life & Style

Wellness Influencer Declares Her Body A Temple While Dropping Another MDMA Pill At Local Rave Under 5G Towers

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local wellness influencer and self-proclaimed “spiritual goddess” Luna Starbeam took to social media last night to remind her followers that…

Life & Style

Elon Musk Offers Discounted Teslas to Women Who Agree to Carry His Offspring, Declares Himself ‘Father of Mars’

AUSTIN, TX – In his latest attempt to outdo his own absurdity, billionaire tech overlord Elon Musk has announced an unprecedented new Tesla discount…

Music

Misha Mansoor Exposed: Periphery Frontman Caught Taking More Bribes From Big Pharma as Fans Uncover Prescription Drug References in Lyrics

Progressive metal mastermind and Periphery guitarist Misha Mansoor has once again found himself in hot water after leaked documents revealed he has been accepting…