Tough Economy: Starbucks Starts Offering Handjobs
The coffee chain is expanding its menu for customers who have realized they own a kettle.
Starbucks has begun offering handjobs as it expands its product line for adult customers who are spending less on coffee but might still find room in the budget for somebody to give a shit about them.
The chain says challenging economic conditions have forced it to look beyond beverages, pastries, and charging people to make a beverage slightly differently. The new service will be available at selected stores, with a pastry bundle for customers who want to make a proper lunch of it.
“People are looking at a $7 coffee and realizing they have a kettle,” said vice president of menu development Gordon Bell. “We needed something they couldn’t get at home. Our research team spoke to a lot of married men.”
The launch builds on Starbucks’ long-standing promise to create a moment of connection, which Bell said had been interpreted far too narrowly by the coffee department. The company already knows customers’ names, their routines, and whether they’ve had a difficult morning. Bell called the remaining gap in service an opportunity the board couldn’t keep ignoring.
Customers can add a handjob to an existing order or purchase one separately. They will still be asked for their name, which will still be spelled incorrectly. Mobile orders must be collected in person after an early trial produced several extremely disappointed DoorDash drivers.
The app will prompt customers to choose a location before proceeding. Bell said this was necessary because several men had attempted to order at a store three states away, apparently hoping the transaction could be handled in the same manner as a bag of coffee beans. The company has since added a short explanation beside the pickup time.
The company’s latest quarterly results showed global comparable sales growing 7.2 percent. Bell said this was encouraging, but the board had asked whether there was anything else customers could be charged for while already inside the building. A customer who leaves satisfied with a coffee has, in the board’s view, left several promising minutes unbilled.
An adult-only service counter will operate beside the pickup area. Regular baristas will continue making drinks while newly hired specialists handle the expanded menu. Both groups have been asked to maintain eye contact when a customer explains that he normally makes this at home.
Staff will also distinguish between customers requesting the new service and customers using the word handjob to describe the price of a muffin. The latter will continue paying the normal muffin price. Bell said the company had considered lowering it but preferred to see whether the broader menu helped people put their complaints in perspective.
“We’ve had strong interest from people who say they’re only here because they had a gift card,” Bell said. “They’ve been very insistent that we know that.”
One early customer, 48-year-old insurance broker Martin Eales, arrived with a card he said his office had given him for completing a project. He asked whether the receipt could simply say project supplies. A staff member explained that the receipt would say Starbucks, which seemed to resolve most of his concerns. He then requested a bag so he could return to work carrying something.
The chain has prepared a range of loyalty offers. Buying nine qualifying services earns a tenth, provided the customer can locate the email before it expires. Rewards members can also select a birthday benefit. Bell said the birthday setting had already become the most frequently edited section of several accounts.
Starbucks Rewards members will earn Stars on every purchase. The app will also remember their usual order, creating what the company describes as a powerful incentive to stop letting your family borrow your phone. Customers can rename a favorite, but the company warns that calling it oat milk won’t change where they need to collect it.
The rollout includes new promotional language about taking a moment for yourself. Bell said the phrase had tested particularly well with customers who intended to explain their absence as a meeting. Store teams have been asked to remind those customers that the meeting still requires them to join the correct queue.
Bell confirmed that the handjobs would be sold at a premium, reflecting the quality of the Starbucks experience. Customers seeking a cheaper alternative have been directed to the self-service station.
