Hillary Clinton Named NVIDIA CEO, Immediately Deletes 33,000 CUDA Cores
Clinton says the missing cores were personal and had nothing to do with the company's graphics business.
NVIDIA’s new CEO Hillary Clinton has completed her first major restructuring, deleting 33,000 CUDA cores she says were personal and therefore none of the shareholders’ business.
Engineers discovered the loss after a graphics card took six hours to render a beige rectangle. Clinton assured them the remaining cores could handle all official company duties, provided nobody asked the rectangle to move.
“We conducted a thorough review and separated the work-related cores from the cores used for yoga routines and Chelsea’s wedding,” Clinton told employees at the company’s Santa Clara headquarters. “I think most Americans understand that a woman is entitled to a little privacy inside a graphics processing unit.”
Her office declined to explain how a piece of silicon had developed a personal life.
Senior hardware engineer Luis Navarro said his team initially assumed the missing cores had been disabled in firmware. They became concerned when Clinton requested a hammer and asked which part of the card contained the subpoena.
“We tried explaining that CUDA cores are physical processing units,” Navarro said. “She said that was exactly why she didn’t want them sitting around on a server.”
The new chief executive has also installed a private server beneath her desk, which the company described as a normal executive convenience comparable to a footrest. All technical support requests must now pass through an aide who prints them, places them in a manila folder, and asks whether the sender has donated before.
Gamers seeking a refund have been directed to an eight-hour congressional hearing. Premium customers can skip the hearing by purchasing the same card again in a different color.
Clinton said the launch had exceeded expectations. Her office had received 33,000 complaints and was already making room for them.
