ECONOMY IN TOILET BUT NATION URGED TO STAY POSITIVE
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With inflation surging, consumer debt exploding, grocery prices entering what experts now describe as “performance art,” and the average citizen quietly calculating whether shampoo still counts as food, federal officials assured Americans Tuesday that now is the time to relax and remember how lucky they are to live in the greatest country on Earth.
The announcement came during a nationally televised press conference held in front of an enormous flag while the stock ticker behind officials visibly caught fire.
“We understand families are feeling pressure,” said Treasury spokesperson Daniel Kerr while standing beside a chart labeled THINGS ARE ACTUALLY FINE. “Eggs cost fourteen dollars. Rent is now a monthly act of humiliation. A used Honda Civic requires a background check and partial organ donation. But this country was built on resilience.”
Kerr then encouraged Americans to focus less on “temporary financial discomfort” and more on “the emotional privilege of being patriotic during an economic collapse.”
According to new government figures, inflation has risen so aggressively that economists have stopped using percentages and begun describing prices in terms of emotional impact. One analyst at Goldman Sachs reportedly broke down crying while trying to purchase a rotisserie chicken and a tube of toothpaste at CVS.
“We are entering a highly advanced stage of the economy,” said Federal Reserve Chair Melissa Granger. “Historically, citizens exchanged money for goods and services. Now Americans exchange vibes, loyalty, and installment plans.”
The White House unveiled several new measures designed to help struggling families adapt to modern economic conditions, including the Patriot Meal Initiative, which teaches citizens how to prepare dinner using a single onion and memories of better years.
Officials also announced that Americans earning under $40,000 annually will now qualify for federal encouragement.
“This isn’t about handouts,” said one administration insider. “This is about reminding people that sacrifice is beautiful when somebody else is making it.”
Meanwhile, major corporations defended ongoing price increases by explaining that executives had become emotionally attached to record profits.
“We tried lowering prices once,” said a grocery chain CEO during an investor call. “Shareholders became frightened and several analysts had to lie down.”
The company later introduced a new premium line of “artisanal essentials,” including $19 bread, luxury tap water, and a subscription-based banana.
Economists say consumer behavior has also changed dramatically. Americans are reportedly spending less on vacations, entertainment, healthcare, retirement savings, and food, while increasing investments in scented candles and tiny psychological rewards.
A recent survey found that 61% of Americans now describe payday as “a brief and spiritual experience.”
The Labor Department attempted to calm fears by emphasizing strong employment numbers, though many workers admitted they currently hold three jobs and a small Etsy business dedicated entirely to selling homemade anxiety bracelets.
“I technically have income,” said Phoenix resident Carla Mendes while driving for four separate delivery apps simultaneously. “Unfortunately every dollar I make immediately transforms into gasoline.”
Despite widespread concern, national leaders urged Americans not to panic or become cynical.
“This country has survived wars, depressions, and the release of multiple Joker origin films,” Kerr said. “We will survive this too.”
At press time, the Federal Reserve announced inflation had risen another 3% during the press conference itself, but assured citizens the increase was mostly psychological and could be ignored by standing near a flag and repeating the phrase “strong fundamentals” until dizziness subsides.