Local Woman Clarifies Her Pitbull Would Never Hurt Anyone Because He Is A 44-Year-Old Grammy Winner
A local woman keeps terrifying neighbors by saying her Pitbull would never hurt anyone before clarifying she means the Grammy-winning musician.
TAMPA, Fla. – For the sixth straight neighborhood cookout, 31-year-old office administrator Kayla Mendez assured nervous attendees that her Pitbull was "literally the sweetest thing ever" before eventually clarifying she was referring to international recording artist Pitbull, not an actual dog.
Mendez, who is severely allergic to animal dander and says she once nearly died inside a PetSmart, has spent the last four years accidentally alarming coworkers, Lyft drivers, dates, and one substitute yoga instructor by repeatedly bringing up her Pitbull in casual conversation.
"He sleeps in my bed every night, he's obsessed with white outfits, and honestly he loves women," Mendez told reporters while scrolling through 2,800 photos of the singer on her phone. "People hear Pitbull and suddenly think I own some giant meat missile named Diesel that treats Little League fences as personal enemies. Meanwhile I'm talking about Mr. Worldwide."
She paused.
"He's actually very gentle."
According to Mendez, the confusion started after she purchased a framed Pitbull concert poster at a Miami gas station because she liked his energy. Friends initially assumed it was ironic. The situation escalated after she began referring to herself publicly as a Pitbull owner.
Neighbors say the misunderstanding has moved beyond what anyone thought was socially survivable.
"She came into our condo association meeting and said her Pitbull had diarrhea all over the backseat of her Nissan Altima," said association treasurer Linda Corcoran. "I spent three full minutes wondering why a dog was driving a Nissan Altima before she clarified she meant he had gotten drunk at E11EVEN after a nightclub appearance in Miami. Honestly, that one was on me too."
Mendez reportedly refuses to alter her wording because she believes anti-Pitbull prejudice has become totally out of control.
"There are so many misconceptions," she said. "People see a bald Latino man in sunglasses wearing a tight black shirt and immediately assume aggression. That's profiling."
Coworkers at the medical billing company where Mendez works confirmed that HR has already spoken to her twice after she casually told employees she was bringing her Pitbull to the office whether people liked it or not.
"We had multiple staff members crying," said regional HR manager Denise Wexler. "One employee climbed onto a filing cabinet. Another called animal control. Then Kayla arrived carrying a limited-edition vinyl copy of Global Warming and six tiny Cuban sandwiches."
Wexler admitted morale improved after lunch.
The confusion peaked when Mendez posted in a local Facebook group asking if any apartment complexes in Tampa had breed restrictions against Pitbulls. The post generated more than 600 comments, including several arguments about jaw strength, one blurry JPEG labeled JUST LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY NEPHEW, and a man threatening to sue the city council despite nobody asking him anything.
Mendez later clarified she was trying to determine whether any landlords prohibited framed photos of Pitbull smoking cigars.
"They still banned me," she said.
Veterinarian Dr. Alicia Moreno of the Bayshore Allergy & Asthma Center said Mendez's condition is among the most severe dog allergies she has ever encountered.
"She cannot physically be within 20 feet of most canines without her eyes swelling shut," Moreno explained. "At one point she reacted to a Paw Patrol birthday cake. So in a technical sense, this is probably the safest possible version of Pitbull ownership."
Still, Mendez insists society owes Pitbull owners more compassion.
She recently launched a small advocacy nonprofit called Nanny Dogs Worldwide, which educates the public about responsible ownership of platinum-selling bilingual dance artists over age 40. The organization's website features safety tips encouraging owners to keep their Pitbull hydrated, avoid overexposure to pyrotechnics, and never approach one suddenly while the DJ is transitioning into "Timber."
The group has already partnered with several local bars for a monthly event called Yappy Hour, where attendees are invited to bring photographs of Pitbull while bartenders play Flo Rida remixes at medically concerning volumes.
At press time, Mendez was reportedly trying to reassure frightened passengers on a Southwest flight after loudly informing a gate agent that she was certified to travel with a support Pitbull.