Grandma Is Doing Keto, Which Means No More Biscuits
BABYLON, USA — In what grieving family members are calling “an absolutely disproportionate response to one Facebook video,” local grandmother Geraldine “Nana” Whitaker, 78, announced this week that she is now doing keto, effectively ending a 46-year dynasty of homemade biscuits thick enough to stop minor bleeding.
The declaration was reportedly made midway through Sunday supper after Whitaker pushed away a basket of buttermilk biscuits and calmly referred to them as “sugar discs.”
Witnesses say the room fell silent.
“I laughed at first,” said grandson Tyler Whitaker, 24. “I thought she was kidding. Nana once fried bacon in Crisco because she said the bacon needed more support. This woman used to put gravy on pie. You don’t just wake up one morning and start talking about net carbs.”
According to family members, the transformation began three weeks ago after Whitaker accidentally watched a podcast clip featuring a bald man explaining insulin resistance while sitting in front of a microphone worth more than a public school.
Since then, the grandmother has reportedly become “completely radicalized.”
“She now refers to mashed potatoes as ‘government starch,’” said daughter-in-law Karen Whitaker. “Yesterday she looked directly at my son while he was eating a dinner roll and said, ‘That’s how they get you.’ Nobody even knew who they were.”
The family says the hardest adjustment has been the disappearance of Nana’s biscuits, long considered a sacred fixture of family gatherings and several legally questionable church potlucks.
Relatives described the biscuits as dense, buttery monuments to cardiovascular negligence that arrived at every meal in cast iron trays “still sizzling with whatever the opposite of medical advice is.”
Now, according to sources, Whitaker serves bowls of shredded cheese and ground beef she calls “nachos without the woke tortilla.”
“She made us cauliflower stuffing at Thanksgiving,” said cousin Michelle, staring blankly into the middle distance. “I watched my uncle chew it for nine straight minutes like a horse trying to understand math.”
Family members attempted an intervention Tuesday after Whitaker replaced all flour in the house with almond meal and began loudly accusing bananas of being “basically cake.”
The intervention failed after she arrived carrying laminated charts.
“She had diagrams,” said Pastor Dale McCreary, who was invited to mediate. “She explained ketosis to us like she was unveiling evidence at The Hague. At one point she called cornbread ‘an edible tax bracket.’ Frankly, she was extremely prepared.”
Medical experts say cases like Whitaker’s are becoming increasingly common among Americans over 65 who discover health content online and suddenly decide the human body was never meant to encounter bread.
“These people survive the Great Depression, cigarettes in hospitals, lead paint, and lawn darts,” said nutrition researcher Dr. Elaine Porter. “Then one podcast guy says oatmeal is poison and they dedicate the remainder of their lives to eating meat wrapped in cheese.”
Despite the family outrage, Whitaker remains committed to the lifestyle.
Standing in her kitchen beside an untouched tray of biscuits, the grandmother calmly spooned bacon grease into her coffee while dismissing concerns from relatives.
“I’ve spent decades watching this family destroy itself with pie,” she said. “Your grandfather died with cobbler in his beard and no regrets. I’m trying something different.”
At press time, Whitaker had reportedly escalated further into the wellness pipeline and was seen ordering $340 worth of electrolyte powder because a man online with no eyebrows said sea salt was suppressing human potential.