Author
Author: Accomplished Author
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Science & Technology
Elon Musk Announces Controversial ‘Mandatory Fucking’ Policy for X Users
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Billionaire Elon Musk announced today that users of X (formerly Twitter) will soon be required to engage in mandatory fucking at least…
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Life & Style
Walmart Quietly Approaching AGI Breakthrough, Sparking Fear at Costco Headquarters
BENTONVILLE, AR – Walmart, America’s largest retailer and a staple of everyday consumerism, is reportedly close to achieving Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), sending shockwaves…
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Reviews
Nintendo Switch 2 Review: A Must-Buy Console for Incels and Lonely Adults Everywhere
Nintendo’s highly anticipated Switch 2 is landing in a few months, and it’s everything an incel or lifelong virgin could want from a gaming…
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Gaming
Exclusive First Impressions of GTA 6
Fans have been eagerly waiting over a decade for Grand Theft Auto VI, desperate for even a glimpse of the game after the infamous…
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Music
Opinion: I Liked Tim Lambesis Better When He Was in Jail
It’s not often you find yourself thinking, “Wow, that dude really peaked behind bars,” but Tim Lambesis, infamous frontman of metalcore band As I…
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Entertainment
Did Olive Garden Have Gene Hackman Killed Over Secret Recipes?
SANTA FE, NM — Hollywood and conspiracy circles alike are buzzing with speculation following the mysterious death of beloved actor Gene Hackman at his…
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Entertainment
We Asked 6 Celebrities What They Think About OpenAI’s New GPT-4.5:
Robert Pattinson: “Honestly, GPT-4.5 has been texting me at all hours asking if vampires are real and, more specifically, if I personally am a…
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Entertainment
Tom Hanks Caught Pawning Oscars
LOS ANGELES—Veteran actor Tom Hanks was spotted pawning several prestigious awards, including his two Oscars, at “Hollywood Pawn & Gold” yesterday afternoon. Witnesses described…
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Entertainment
Alec Baldwin Spotted Practicing “Surprised Face” After Epstein Files Revelation
Following yesterday’s bombshell revelation of Jeffrey Epstein’s unsealed client files, actor Alec Baldwin was reportedly spotted frantically practicing a range of carefully crafted “surprised”…
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Science & Technology
Tech Breakthrough: GPT-4.5 is Now So Small You Can Literally Stuff It in Your Balls
OpenAI has officially revealed GPT-4.5, an AI so minuscule it comfortably fits inside a human testicle. Yep, you heard correctly. The latest model, lovingly…
