BOCA CHICA, TX — In a press conference held entirely in Latin and streamed at 2:37 AM via X (formerly Twitter), Elon Musk unveiled “Operation Red Eden,” a comprehensive initiative to populate Mars using “the ancient and blessed method” of direct human procreation.
“We’re done with sterile test tubes and gene-sequencing. It’s time to get freaky for the future,” Musk declared, eyes unblinking, standing beneath a bronze statue of himself cradling two identical toddlers, both visibly weeping. “This isn’t just about colonization. It’s about Genesis.”
According to a 408-page mission document faxed to major media outlets and laminated in carbon-neutral plastics, SpaceX’s Phase 1 will involve selecting 144 genetically diverse “founders” to engage in ritualized courtship aboard the Starship Matriarch, which Musk insists must launch “during a Venus-Mars opposition when the divine geometry is optimal for conception.” Candidates will be required to complete an “emotional CAPTCHA” and submit a 30-second mating video on X with the hashtag #BreedForMars.
“We’re not just sending astronauts,” said Dr. Halina Verne, head of SpaceX’s Human Love Logistics Division. “We’re sending archetypes: a butcher, a beekeeper, a jazz trumpeter with alopecia. Diversity of erotic archetype is crucial. This isn’t science fiction. This is reproductive mythopoeia at scale.”
Musk’s plan includes the construction of Martian birthing domes made from self-healing biocrete and padded with shredded Tesla shareholder agreements. These facilities, nicknamed “Love Bunkers,” will host “intimacy ceremonies” scored by AI-generated Marvin Gaye covers and regulated by an onboard morality algorithm codenamed ELISHA. Children born on Mars will be named in accordance with the “Six Vowels Doctrine,” recently leaked on a Discord server.
Despite mounting concerns from NASA, the Vatican, and multiple ex-wives, Musk remained unfazed. “Fear is the mind-killer. Sex is the planet-filler,” he posted at 3:04 AM, followed by a selfie holding a plush uterus and a vial labeled “Genesis Fluid v2.”
Reaction online has been mixed. A Reddit thread titled r/MarsBangMission has gained traction, with one top comment reading, “I was conceived in a Subaru. I can be reborn on Mars.” Another simply reads, “This is what the moon landing should’ve been.”
At press time, Musk had reportedly entered a sensory deprivation tank filled with recycled kombucha to “receive final instructions from the biome.” SpaceX shares rose 11% on the news, peaking shortly after a second press release confirmed: “The first child born on Mars will inherit partial ownership of X.”
