SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Billionaire Elon Musk announced today that users of X (formerly Twitter) will soon be required to engage in mandatory fucking at least once a week. Musk insisted the policy is a “bold, innovative solution” designed to address loneliness, falling birth rates, and sagging engagement metrics simultaneously.
“People aren’t fucking enough, plain and simple,” Musk declared unapologetically at a packed and chaotic press conference held at X headquarters. “Our analytics show people who fuck regularly are happier, healthier, and far more active on social media. Honestly, it’s just good business.“
Dubbed “XRelations,” the new system will require users to verify their compliance weekly through a “fuck check-in,” facilitated by cutting-edge AI algorithms and enhanced facial recognition technology. Matches will be determined by meme history, political leanings, and subscription level, with premium subscribers receiving top-tier matches and “fucking priority.”
“If you’re not a premium subscriber, your fucking opportunities may be significantly limited,” Musk bluntly stated, adding, “but hey, there’s always room to upgrade.“
Privacy advocates and ethics watchdogs immediately slammed the policy as “creepy,” “dystopian,” and “fucking insane.” Prominent digital rights activist Helen Richards tweeted furiously, “Forced fucking as a service? Musk isn’t innovating, he’s creating Black Mirror episodes in real life.“
Internally, reaction at X headquarters has ranged from amused disbelief to outright panic. An anonymous senior engineer confessed, “When Elon first pitched ‘mandatory fucking,’ everyone laughed. Then we realized he wasn’t joking. Now HR is a fucking nightmare.“
Despite inevitable legal backlash, Musk doubled down, dismissing criticism with characteristic bravado. “Innovation always meets resistance. People used to resist wearing seatbelts, too. Trust me, mandatory fucking is the future.“
Surprisingly, Musk’s loyal followers appear enthusiastic. User Jake Callahan tweeted, “Mandatory fucking might just save humanity. Elon truly gets it.“
Legal experts predict an unprecedented wave of lawsuits, but Musk remains unfazed. “We’re fully prepared,” Musk confidently announced. “Besides, what’s a few lawsuits compared to the joy of millions finally getting laid?“
As the bizarre rollout approaches, millions of bewildered users anxiously await the next step. Musk, however, remains characteristically confident, concluding, “X isn’t just a platform, it’s a whole new way to fuck.“
