SPRINGFIELD, IL – A local 67-year-old man, Richard “Rick” Thompson, has reportedly had his phone flashlight on for three consecutive days and still has not noticed.
Despite multiple friends, family…
America has had its fair share of villains—Benedict Arnold, the guy who invented robocalls, whoever keeps putting lettuce on my cheeseburger—but none have been more insidious than Travis Kelce. Yes,…
Mysterious, mask-clad, genre-defying cult favorite Sleep Token has announced their highly anticipated new album, titled Devotions and Detachments, sending fans into a spiral of excitement, introspection, and existential dread.
The tracklist, which was…
SEATTLE, WA — Your favorite YouTube guitar is a monster, we're sorry.
Sources have confirmed that YouTube guitarist Jared Dines is, in fact, a terrible person. While millions have…
Look, we all love Grandma. She’s a sweet old lady with a heart of gold, a purse full of peppermint candies, and a suspiciously large stockpile of expired canned goods.…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local wellness influencer and self-proclaimed “spiritual goddess” Luna Starbeam took to social media last night to remind her followers that “the body is a sacred temple”…
AUSTIN, TX – In his latest attempt to outdo his own absurdity, billionaire tech overlord Elon Musk has announced an unprecedented new Tesla discount program: any woman who agrees to…
Progressive metal mastermind and Periphery guitarist Misha Mansoor has once again found himself in hot water after leaked documents revealed he has been accepting undisclosed payments from major pharmaceutical companies.…
NEW YORK, NY — Hollywood actress Blake Lively shocked fans this week after she publicly accused a Manhattan barista of sexual harassment following an incident in which he got her…
