Royal Leak! Prince Harry Now Wipes After He Pees, and the Internet Wants Meghan Arrested for ‘Toilet Tampering’

Ah, the British Royal Family! A symbol of dignity, grace, and—wait for it—proper pee etiquette? You read that right, folks. Rumors are swirling faster than a toilet flush that Prince Harry, the ginger playboy turned doting dad, has allegedly started wiping after he pees. Yeah, he's now a wiper! And who's the prime suspect behind…

ByAccomplished Author29 August 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Shows Unprecedented Mercy: Snips Only 3 Fingers from SpaceX Leaker’s Hand! The Compassionate Billionaire Strikes Again

They say charity starts at home, but for Elon Musk, it seems that benevolence starts at the fingertips – or rather, ends there. In a magnanimous display of mercy that only a billionaire with a sense of humor could muster, the Tesla and SpaceX maestro decided to spare a company leaker a full-hand dismemberment. Instead,…

ByAccomplished Author29 August 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Paul Graham Unleashes New Essay; Internet Wonders If He’s Become the Yoda of Startups or Just the Jar Jar Binks

Ah, Paul Graham, the tech world's favorite sentient beard, has done it again! The Y Combinator co-founder and self-anointed startup sage dropped a new essay last week. The Internet's reaction? Let's say people aren't exactly printing it out to hang on their vision boards. Graham's essay, titled "Why You Should Drop Out of School, But…

ByAccomplished Author28 August 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Billionaire Peter Thiel Announces His Yacht Isn’t Fast Enough Due to ‘Computational Lag’ in Our Simulated Universe—Plans to Overclock Reality

Hold the phone, Elon Musk—your Martian dreams might be on hold. Why? Because billionaire Peter Thiel, who once bankrolled the ambitious quest for eternal life, has embarked on an even wilder journey. His latest bombshell? Thiel claims his luxury yacht isn't reaching top speeds, not because of engineering limitations, but because we're all avatars in…

ByAccomplished Author28 August 20230Comments

Politics

Political Tilt! Ben Shapiro’s Sperm Found Leaning Right, Declares They’re ‘Facts Over Feelings’

Renowned political commentator Ben Shapiro's sperm have been found leaning to the right. Literally, and if that's not enough, they've taken to chanting "facts don't care about your feelings" as they swim. You read that right. While most of us worry about our political beliefs leaning one way or another, Mr Shapiro's sperm have taken…

ByAccomplished Author28 August 20230Comments

Science & Technology

Elon Musk Buys Twitter’s Debt with Pocket Change and Pays People to Tweet – Because Why Not?

Elon Musk Buys Twitter's Debt with Pocket Change and Pays People to Tweet – Because Why Not? Hold onto your tweeting thumbs. In a move that makes as much sense as putting racing stripes on a snail, Elon Musk, the real-life Tony Stark minus the glowing chest, is paying people to tweet. Yes, you heard…

ByAccomplished Author28 August 20230Comments

Entertainment

Bob Barker’s Heavenly Debut: God Declares “The Price is Eternity!” And Bob’s Still Not Sold

Bob Barker, the legend himself, who made spinning a gigantic wheel seem like a rational life choice, has finally stepped off the earthly stage. Guess where he ended up? That's right—Heaven! But don't pop the champagne just yet; eternal bliss comes with a price tag, and Bob ain't buying it. "Welcome to Heaven, Bob," God…

ByAccomplished Author27 August 20230Comments

Life & Style

Tom from MySpace is Your Only Real Friend: Here’s Why You Owe Him a Beer

Remember Tom from MySpace? Yeah, that eternally friendly face, grinning from the depths of cyberspace like a digital Cheshire Cat, never changing, always welcoming. That buddy who was always there for you when nobody else was? Well, Tom's back, baby, and he's wondering where the heck you've been! Let's take a stroll down memory lane,…

ByAccomplished Author27 August 20230Comments

Entertainment

Michael Cera Discovers Hidden Treasure in His Couch – You Won’t Believe How Much He Found!

In a discovery that would make even Indiana Jones put down his whip and hang up his hat, Michael Cera, the man, myth, and legend, unearthed a cache of loose change between his sofa cushions, rivalling the gold reserves of small nations. We're not talking about a few nickels and dimes here. No, sir! We're…

ByAccomplished Author26 August 20230Comments

Reviews

A Review of Spiritbox’s “The Fear of Fear” EP

Feast your ears on Spiritbox's new EP, "The Fear of Fear," an auditory carnival as unpredictable as a shopping spree at Walmart on Black Friday. Releasing on November 3rd via Rise Records/Pale Chord, this EP is a wild ride, so strap in. This is the band's second EP since dropping Rotoscope back in 2022 and…

ByAccomplished Author25 August 20230Comments